reflection

There was that first pregnancy, completely unexpected, two short weeks after two young people were married. It ended quickly, just as we were adjusting to the idea, the baby was gone. After a week of tears and wild emotions, we decided to let nature take its coarse. That following month, we were delighted to find out, we were expecting again. So young, so naïve! Little did we know that the battle was on. From that day forward it was the constant struggle to be the best parent, definitely not the worst parent ever! Every decision felt overwhelming. If the decision came easily it was blasted by other parents, and at every corner! We all know those early weeks filled with; sleep deprivation, milking, weeping, joyful adoration, starvation, and confusion. Some of us have more expectations placed on us than others but lets just face it, its a rude awakening! We went against the stream on a few things. We refused to let baby sleep with us, we had him sleeping through the night by 6 weeks in his own bed. We over bathed him, we let him cry it out, fed him food at 3 months, took him everywhere, got angry at people who tried to touch him, stopped BF at 8 mos so I could go on BC only for it to not work! The list goes on. I wonder if he even remembers any of that nonsense now that he is 8yrs? We were onto parents of two, and three, and then four. Before we knew it, we had a very full quiver:) There was chaos, frustration, joys, love, embraces, disciplinary actions, loss of control! The loss of all control over these little boogers is my biggest memory. I lost it one day. Ok, more than one day. I wanted so badly to maintain the same amount of "control" I had with the first. This was impossible, and I would beg to argue unnecessary, at this point. By the fourth baby, she was sleeping on me all the time, her bed looked like the poster child for SIDS, she laid on the bare floor, drank from un-sanitized nipples, bathed in the sink, we fed her everything, strangers touched her and I didn't jump down their throats, she had 24/7 entertainment and overstimulation from 3 siblings. This baby was free to live, those expectations of the first or second child were far gone. Heck, she was a free bird along for the ride. I would beat myself up over all the nonsense I put both myself, spouse, and children through those first few years, but that would defeat my point. I'm one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason. I don't see the mishaps and misbeliefs as mistakes, but opportunities to shape us. We weren't wrong for obsessing, simply a time for lessons. I laugh now at my new mommy self, one day I will laugh at my elementary mommy self. I don't feel bad for her, she was brave and strong, though a bit misguided;) There is absolutely no possible way to describe to one in pre-parenthood what it will be like. The best description I have ever heard is that it is like having your heart walking outside your body everyday. Beyond the obvious physical strains, the emotional and mental is the hardest. Every stage of child rearing feels like the most important. As a new stage plops in your lap, you think "ugh I can't worry about "insert previous concerns", I have bigger fish to fry!" All I can do is my best, for it's what I have.  I believe my children were given to me, not as gifts, but as most valuable treasures. As they were given to me, I was also given to them. We are a team. Team Kane. We will feel triumph and failure, sickness and health, tears and laughter. Relationship before rights. Always reminding ourselves that we are on the same team, not fighting against, but for each other. No man/woman reaches their destiny on their own. Value those both in your household and outside. I'm not an island, I'm a mommy. I need mentors, confidants, parents, fellow parents, and single friends. I need to trust my instincts, but be willing to except help.

Battle Within

         I seem to have a daily battle with integrity. From as far back as I can remember I have had a deep desire to do what is right. Rules have been something I feel comfort in keeping. Sure, as a teen I broke a few rules and kind of enjoyed it. Let me share, I can count on one hand how many times I broke the "rules" as a teen, I kid you not. I take great pleasure in being trustworthy and honest. When I disappoint someone I am in turmoil until the issue is corrected. I am faithful to relationships to a fault. This integrity has hurt me, as it places a firm line between what is right and grace.
         As a kid I had only a few friends. I was loving and happy, but totally intense and obedient. Then the teen years came and I maintained even fewer friends. It didn't help that I was raised in a super conservative home with many rules and guidelines. My teen years were like everyone elses confusing, and I was lost. Most teens around me were dating, lying, drinking, smoking, drug using, R rated movie watching. I ,on the other hand, felt like a complete outsider. I didn't care that I didn't fit in with them, I cared that there didn't seem to be anyone like me. I had no trouble at all refusing the "bad" things. No trouble losing friends over silly things like cigarettes. I felt safe within the bounds of my parents and church leaders rules. Slowly things began to change as I fell in love with a boy. This boy messed up everything I had ever worked for! He swept me off my feet and showed me how to enjoy life. He was honest, and brutally so. Through our mistakes I learned grace, perhaps even for the first time. This boy with his dimpled smile and gentle sturdy voice, shook my world. He told me I was sweet, kind, and loving. What?! I was always hearing abrasive, condescending, and self righteous:/
         This grace tasted better than rules. Don't worry, I am still a full fledge integrity junky. However, I have found grace and witnessed it's delicious fruits. I desire to be gracious to all, as my Lord has always been for me. Even gracious enough to save me, the rule police. This dilemma between grace and law has reared it's head in my life once more. I started a new job last week. Lets just say I was less than thrilled with how the facility was run. Since I had never worked in this particular setting before, I researched it until the minute before I started my first shift. I went over policies, procedures, and protocols. I was nervous I would slip up and ruin this experience for myself. From the minute I walked in the door, when the receptionist told me to "Run away" I knew something was wrong. I got a sickening feeling in my gut, but I pressed on, as I am well aware of my weakness regarding rules. That shift was the worst experience I have had in 10 yrs of nursing. I used every ounce of strength I could muster in finishing out the night, and not open my mouth to anyone. Now, I was in a serious pickle. 1.Do I go back? 2.Quit and never return? 3.Call the Director up , give them an earful and submit a written letter? You're correct, I went with option #3. I just couldn't live with myself if I did not let them know all I saw and heard and made sure they were aware of how terribly flawed their facility is. UGH! So, I spoke with the director over the phone and then sent her a very detailed 2 page word doc. of my 8hrs there.
         I breathed in a breath of relief, whew. Then the next day I received a phone call from the director to the director, asking me if I would be willing to come in and meet with him in regards to my letter. No, no, no, I am not getting further involved! So, I agreed. Now what? Besides the panic at the thought that they may be upset with me, I am intrigued to see if they actually may value my unwavering honesty. Man, do I struggle with this. I DO NOT need to be in the right all the time. Things CAN be messy. As far as relationships go, I think I am making great progress in understanding grace, and having it for my friends and family. On the other hand, there is the workplace, where I am lacking in this area. Is there really any room for slack in the work force? I mean, everyone seems to abuse it, like a lot. Must I be the one to constantly be pointing out the errors? Must I KNOW all the rules? I do, I really do.
        

The Mommy One Uppers

We all know those people, the ones who know everything about everything. They seem to speak out of turn and embellish every story. I live in terror that I may be one of them! Someone who is ignorant to others struggles and talks on. The one who has a story for every single thing you share. Like you say " man I'm tired" they say " just wait till you have kids" you say "my job has been so stressful lately" they say "you have no idea what it's like to work in healthcare". Every statement is met with a greater expression of pride, stress, strength, or defeat. What is it about hearing someone's story that we feel the need to respond with something more than? Can we simply acknowledge the joy, or suffering without adding our own issues into the mix? I personally find this difficult at times. It's tough stuff to remove myself and my own life from someone's experiences. This is something I've learned a bit about as a mom. We moms can be brutal. Lets just face the fact that being mommy is ridiculously difficult and move on. If you have one child or 20, you're a parent. Moms are a very special breed of friend. If you are lucky you will find a few ladies who are non judgmental  (at least to your face), keep them forever whatever it takes! I have been bombarded in grocery stores, malls, libraries, and the like. Moms of all ages criticizing and judging me, my children and my parenting "style". I have fled from stores in tears. Is this the goal, a goal of belittling other moms until they break?! We are all guilty of this to some degree. You think you will never do it, and then you are faced with the new mom. You suddenly have thoughts "she has no idea, just wait until...". We moms need to stick together instead of tearing each other apart. Clearly this does not just apply to moms, but this is a group dear to my heart. I became a mom on a rainy spring day 8 years, four months, and 6 days ago. From that day on, I have faced more self reflection than I ever thought possible, self doubt and flat out GUILT! That's right folks, mom's walk around with 24/7 guilt trips! There is not one decision I make from what we eat for breakfast to where I work, that I don't feel guilt over. It starts with breast feeding vs bottle guilt, than we upped it to crying it out to rocking and coddling guilt. There is no end to the madness. The thing is, I would feel overwhelmed and reach out for a shoulder and get smacked in the face with an ignorant response. Look, if you are currently wrestling with how to feed your baby its a BIG deal for you. If in a few years it turns into potty training issues, guess what, its a BIG deal for you. It doesn't matter the struggle or guilt trip, we all have them and one is not far greater than the next. We only know what we experience, but we could make a choice to treat others moms with the respect we ourselves would appreciate. There is no need to match and up every thing said to me. I know, I know, the guilt makes us have to respond to the other mom with a better story so we don't feel so bad. It doesn't work to "one up".  Just this morning I had a mom tell me that she can't believe I would bring four kids to get groceries with me..then asked if they were all mine..then onto how do you do it..and all by yourself too..you must be exhausted...are their fatherS around much to help...do you work...well GOD bless you! This lady must have lost her mind, or so I thought. In reality this is the norm. Outspoken moms are everywhere. They spit their mommy venom on innocent victims from grocery stores to school parking lots. Why so judgmental of me and my trip to the store? How does this affect her? Guilt, that's how. We all allow guilt to eat us alive, we speak and act out propelled by its venomous serum. So, ladies, this is my public apology to all mommies. If I have ever treated you as less than, please forgive me. Not one of us knows the complete story of the other. I'm not sure I will ever completely overcome the guilt trip I'm on, but I can possibly make better choices and consciously act instead of react to other moms.

I Can't Be perfect.

I don't give myself enough credit. We moms do not give ourselves enough credit. Maybe it is just me? I beat myself up, daily, over little things my husband and kids never notice. I want an imaculate home, well behaved children, to never lose my temper, the body I had when I was 18, and a delicious home cooked meal for every breakfast lunch and dinner. However, this is not a reality. In reality, my life can be a real mess. Sure, there are days when all the laundry is done, others when the sink is cleared, and again when all meals are delicously prepared. I repeat ONE thing per day! Ha ha! I think many of us spend so much time seeing all of our down falls, that we fail to recognize everyone else is in the same struggle. I am NOT perfect. Whew, I said it! soomething is wrong with the fact that I panic if someone wants to stop by, God forbid they see my messy room or even worse...Dishes in the SINK!! I think we should aim to care for our families well. Where do you draw the line? If my hubby so much as asks me if he has clean socks I will go into a bit of a frenzy inside. I will devalue myself down to nothing and basically decide he doesn't value or love me anymore. For Goodness sakes, I am only one woman!!!! Oh wait, he was just talking about finding socks, not telling me I am terrible for not having them clean, and folded nicely in his sock drawer. Is it just me? Are my expectations to high? Am I placing to much of my value in being perfect, as if I ever could be? Do you have any idea how many times I have been asked what I do all day?! Yeah, even if I manage to accurately list off the details of my hectic day, the likelihood of you grasping it is slim to none. Do you ever start describing your day, just to stop half way through, thinking " this sounds easy and dumb"? There is No way to describe it. There are many days when I throw in the towel and just thank the Lord above that tomorrow is a new day. A new day. I think one of the best things you can do for another mom is have her over, and leave the mess out in the open for once.

Don't aplogize, let her see that you aren't perfect. This is a 24/7 job. I'm not complaining. I apreciate my family. I will miss these days, one day, if I make it there;)

Gratitude

     Gratitude, how easily you are robbed from me. I don't know if it is where we live or what we have, or who we are with, but gratitude just doesn't seem to last long enough. My heart is continually dissatisfied. It is a daily battle to be grateful and content with what I have.
      
      I want bigger, better, newer everything. Why? Why do I seek what I do not have instead of loving what I do? I find myself seeking and searching out plans for new things.  Discontentment is a hunger that will never be satisfied. The more I feed it, the hungrier it gets.

      Who decides what is enough. I want to say I don't care if my clothes are old or my car is dying(and sings songs to everyone as we drive by;), my house only has one bathroom. The thing is I do care. Truth is, a massive amount of families all over the world are living in conditions that would make my life look like serious greed. Truth is, I am blessed beyond belief. I have a husband who treats me and our children very well. We have a house of our own, with enough bedrooms for our girls and boys to be in separate rooms, we have a working bathroom, a functional kitchen, carpeted floors, two vehicles that we own, shoes on our feet, clothes on our back and food in our bellies. A job. My hubby has a job. Nope we by no means , according to most of society, have it all. However, I am choosing gratitude. God has brought us from poverty and despair,  to living on our own. 

     Discontentment feels burdensome. Gratitude feels joyous. There is life in thankfulness. So, I will shout it from the roof tops and remind myself daily to keep thankfulness on my mind and lips. When the world tries to burden me with ideas of greed and discontentment, I will remember what the Lord has done and what I already have.
  It in my opinion, is completely selfish and prideful, to think we can do this life on our own. We look down on those who 'can't make it on their own'. So stop feeling bad when you need people, we all do!

Love is NOT Easily Angered.

As many of you know, parenting is the most exhausting and most gratifying oppertunity on the planet. Since I have been given the tremendous blessing of raising four people, it is the topic of most of my thoughts,  and conversations.

I have been challenged since day one of mommy-hood with my emotions, actions, and re-actions. I want only the best for my kids.  Often, I am realizing, I act out of selfish desires. My kiddos are 7, 6, 4, and 2. I have the ability now to see some of the effects of my parenting on my older children, good and bad.

About a month ago I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of frustration and anger in my home. My kids were fighting all the time, there was screaming and yelling. I was at my wits end. It seemed as if we were all against eachother. I felt llike a refferee, only an angry bitter one. Sure, I worked hard at never slandering or belittling my kids with words, however my tone was doing more harm than good. One day it hit me. There was to be NO MORE YELLING in our home. Now, Jonathan and I NEVER yell at eachother, we take great care in handling eachothers feelings with love and work hard at showing respect, always. However, our relationship with our children was headed down another road. I guess we thought that modeling healthy relationship between us would be good enough. I do believe us making our relationship a priority is important, not only for ourselves but our children as well.

My Dad always said respect is earned not owed. Well, I decided to take an agressive action towards our new NO MORE YELLING rule.  I spent an entire, and I do mean entire, day stopping every flare up of anger and nip it in the butt. If I felt anger coming on I would stop, take a few deep breaths and either ask the child to sit in the other room or I would remove myself for a moment. Only when I was calm and thought I could speak to my child out of love and in a manner to help direct and teach them, not rebuke and belittle, would we come back together. I openely told the kids that mommy and daddy will no longer be yelling at anyone, that God asks us to be slow to anger and quick to listen, that love is not easily angered. That We love them dearly and it is wrong and unacceptable for us to raise our voices in anger towards them. I apologized and then would say, now you have to listen to when we are speaking softly.

It is NOT easy to control frustration and anger, especially when you are sick. I have been struggling with illness for almost a year now. First a minor stroke, then cancer, surgery, and radiation, and now Mono, and Lymes disease. I am living a distance from friends and family. All of us face challenges. If I truly love my kids I will be concerned with their hearts. I want my kids hearts turned towards me. I am a firm believer in discipline, not punishment.  I admit I was heading down a bad path of losing my temper, and in that seperating my kids hearts from mine, little by little. When I scream, I crush their spirit. Ugh, I can't even believe I was so weak as to hurt the people I love most, what a selfish act anger is.

Since making this declaration in our home, things have CHANGED (though there have been slip ups). My kids are laughing with me more, we are making better connections. The kids are lying, crying, screaming, fighting, and disobeying far LESS. We are rebuilding trust in eachother. Instead of losing my temper, I am taking action before the volcano erupts. As parents, we are so busy, we don't always take the time to act before we are just re-acting. I'm finding the importance in acting, not re-acting like a fool.

Anger is weakness, self-control is strength!  I can choose Love over anything, after all it is a choice.

I'm an imperfect person. If I can make this choice and change the dynamic in my home, so can you!

Circle of life.

Aha ha ha. Here I am, lacking strength to go on.  I'm Feeling tired and overworked. I pick up my bible and flip through. Then grab a  journal and glare at the blank pages. I stumbled accross some old entries, I had written a few years ago. Ha. There are pages of distress and pages of praise and happiness. Life has a way of circling. In this I find hope. I was once lost and then found, it can happen again.
Journal Entry Oct 28th 2008
"We went to a beautiful wedding on saturday. I was so sad all day, becuase I was missing the wedding of my life long friend Katie. Instead we went to a friend of Jonathan's wedding.

I am begining to feel like I have lost a lot of myself. I always swore that it would never happen to me. I would always stay true to myself. This, I have learned, is impossible when you are a mommy and wife.

Why didn't anyone prepare me? Is it even possible to prepare for such things? My mom always said  being married and having kids is the most difficult  and rewarding job in the world. I guess you always think you are invincible, and I only heard the rewarding part;)

Our weekends are completely manipulated by sports; where to watch, with whom, and when. The children and I are just along for the ride, whether we like it or not! I can only go out if I organize babysitting, and even then I feel tremendously guilty, and consumed with when I can get home. Most times I have atleast one child with me, even if Jonathan is home. Jonathan can leave the house on a whim, taking no children, at his leisure!

I do not want to be bitter! This is what I signed up for. Perhaps this was the very fine print on the back of the page, I still endorsed. When I become this overwhelmed and unappreciative, I try to remind myself of what I am thankful for.
1. My children Isaac, Ellie, and Andrew.
2. Jonathan
3. Jesus Christ
4. my parents and siblings.
5. My in laws
6. my friends and church family
7. A  roof over our head and food in our stomaches.
I'm already feeling more grateful! "
 
 Journal entry Nov 25 2008
" Woke up at 7 am Jonathan handed me Andrew, now 7months old. Andrew proceeded to kiss and sqeeze my face off! Ellie was screaming " I want chocolate milk!" Isaac playing in his underwear, in the living room. Jonathan pressed his lips to my forhead, and he was off to work with a friend. My heart was PLEASED that Jonathan was going to work today, long awaited work! So I hopped out of bed to start my day. There was breakfast to be made, diapers and clothes to be changed, and a baby to nurse. No time like the present!"