morning

I awoke this morning feeling empowered! I had been dreaming that Bon was next to me, and when I woke up it was Drew drew!! He was wide awake, cuddled up in my bed, staring into my eyes as he pet my hair;) Awe, my heart filled with warm loving feelings. It was surely bound to be a great day.

Well, I had to get the kiddos ready for a 1000 appt at the pediatrician, for the baby. From the begining the kids were, well, stubborn. no one wanted to get dressed "come on everyone lets get dressed...come on..pick out some clothes!" " no i don't want to..i don't like that shirt..noo not those shoes..i wanna wear my bathing suit...i don't like socks like that..i wanna stay home!!" I tried with everything in me to remain cool. I then danced around the kitchen with andrew, and made ellie laugh as i pretended to drop the hershey syrup bottle all over the kitchen floor, in my hap hazard efforts to get it back into the frig. Isaac stood, ticked off and miserable, denied happiness at every turn! The milk is too cold, now it's too hot, now not enough syrup, now too much! AAAAAh I dying here!!! Now, the clock is ticking!!! I already missed an appt for the baby last week, I had to get there on time. Then as we were trying to get shoes on and jackets it began again.."not that jacket, the other one" " the other one is broken, Isaac" " i don't care, i wanna wear it!!!!! (tears everwhere)" Well lets just say i lost my coool al together in a very embarrassing and diapointing way. I screamed at him to put hi frickin shoes on!!!! this is not about you right now!!! Get the heck ready and get your stubborn little butt in the stinking car!!!!!! which was followed by more yelling and crying.

We finally were in the car, with no time left for my ice coffee run! I began to sob and sob. I felt like a complete failure of a mother. Why did I let things escalate that far? Why didn't i take control earlier, beofre I lost my temper!? I hated myself for screaming and hurting my son. ugh..Fail! Just stamp it on my forehead! I know I know..I came back to reality. I apologized to the kids, and we all agreed to start the day over.

Just waiting for the peace<3

waiting for the peace

I am not sure who I am in life without my best friend, my husband. Almost every person at the party today asked me how Bon was doing or if he liked it. Hello!! He is not allowed to call me, I have not a single frickin clue what is going on with him!! I don't know when, if ever, he will call or how long it will be for, or what it will be about. I miss him so much I am sick. I'm not upset with people for asking..it's a natural thing to do in conversation. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel weird, alone, preoccupied, lost. I hope I do not come off as disturbed when speaking with others..ha ha. Although, I did have a few moments today when Jonathan was not on my mind..it was peaceful..they passed quickly.

ok, so The man has been gone for what two days!!? I keep talking about how i am feeling, thinking it is going to make things easier..it's not. I want to know what is going on with my husband, is he ok, is he sleeping, eating, are there any good guys there, is he upset, does he kinda like it, who what when where??? ugh the suspense of all of this is truly making me a bit madd. I am trying to figure out how to get a decent price on a flight to go to his graduation ..and it is not looking so promising:( How on earth could I ever afford a $700 ticket? There has to be a way, I mean don't people do this all the time? Perhaps we will just pack up all four kids and take a massive road trip to graduation..hmm maybe not..lol. I could start walking now, and I should be there in time? Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud.

View point

How do you view the Holy Trinity? Is one figure bigger, wiser, stronger, more powerful, more important than an other? Really though, picture them now. I read of an anology where we western christians view the Holy Trinity as God the Father sitting at the head of the table, then Christ as a smaller man, and then the holy spirit as a bird. Where as Eastern christians See three equal beings sitting around a table talking about us all.

How do you see it? This stretched me a bit to think about my views and understanding of God in general, as in his relation to us as three parts. Are they truly sitting about conversing and interceding for me? So difficult to comprehend. Are there really things that Jesus wants to see the holy spirit work in my life? I beleive so. I think, as crazy as it sounds, I desire to spend as much time as I can in Their courts of praise, so that I may see more clearly their desires and hearts cry.

You know, it says in scripture that we enter his courts with praise..not prayer..why would we rather try to begin with prayer and not praise? Why do we not place Him where he belongs, before we begin conversing? Or better yet, why is this a stretch for us? Is He not the alpha and omega, the begining and the end? Elohim (God), Jehovah-rapha(the Lord who heals),Jehovah-Nissi(The Lord our banner),Jehovah-Shalom( the Lord our Peace),Jehovah Sabaoth(the Lord of hosts),The resurrection, the truth, the life,the light of the world,the bread of life, the good shepherd, "Before Abraham was, I Am!" Hmm My thoughts for the day.

This has been a very tough morning full of tears and anxiety..But still my God is good, and has restored my peace in this moment of revelation, of who He is, was, and is to come!

seperation anxiety

I realize we have only been apart for 1 1/2 days, but I feel like I am experiencing some tough seperation anxiety. It's like the fear for the future seperation..ha ha. It's not that my husband is away, I am used to him working really long hours and being a away for days at a time. It's the distance, the lack of communication, the unknown. I know he will not be the same man when he returns, which makes me nervous. It's so hard to explain.

Everytime I talk to anyone about it they just say "this is good for him" or " he's fine." Ok, as much as you all are simply trying to help, those statements are not helpful. I know this is going to be good for him, and yes he will be fine..but for goodness sake my husband who I have not been seperated from in 9 yrs..just left me with no definite opportunity to call or write..he will write..But if you know Jonathan, there may not be much he says. He may be asking for sports scores..ha ha ha. I sent him his first letter today!

I feel like a little kid right now..am I to dependant on my husbands relationship??

Ah whatever...Ithink I can, I think I can, I think I can;)

My heart hurts

My heart hurts, I'm sick inside. I have dreaded these feelings! The only thing keeping me eating is the fact that I have an infant to nurse. My stomache is churning and turning.

For any of you that have been pregnant before you know how it consumes you. I feel as though I just found out of the positive pregnancy. The butterflies, the preoccupation with self. I can't think of anything else, I just keep praying and praying. For Him, for me, for the children...whew..we should all be blessed when this is all through! I keep reminding myself that suffering brings forth character!!! Honestly though, how much character does one need?

Thankfully, I have had my wonderful mother in-law to call whenever I need. She, like me, has a lot investing in this man and loves him dearly. I am sure, unfortunatly for her, I will be calling "frequently" for a shoulder to cry on. Of course, at least I hope, not at much as today;)

sigh...I need to take deep breaths..this to shall pass? ugh my tumy hurts..I do love the man:(

Day 1 on our journey!

Well friends, this morning has been a tough one. We went to bed last night in tears. We decided not to make it a big deal with the kids. Jonathan and I told them he would be gone early in the morning and all. We prayed and hugged the kids and off to bed they went. Jonathan quickly exited the room to cry, for the first time since this all began. I have to admit he has been very strong.

Being apart is going to be tough. Not just because we won't see eachother, but we won't beable to communicate much at all. Unless you consider a weekly letter and a 5min conversation communicating.

I dropped Jonathan off at the airport at 1/4 till 7...Remarkably I wasn't a complete basket case , and by that I mean I wasn't swerving off the road due to an inability to see past my tears. I thought it not wise to come home a mess, for my childrens sake, that is. So, I did what any deserving woman would do, I went shopping. Of course not my favorite type (grocery). While I was there I had some photos developed of me and the Hubs and the kids and him. I then bought little frames to put them in.

Upon my arrival home I was met by a grumpy 5yr old and two silly toddlers (the baby was being put to bed). I showed the kids their respective pics ...Ellie was very excited and wanted to hold them imediatly. Isaac told me they didn't look good and ..that he didn't want to look at them. He threw it on the floor and left the room. I told him I would hold on to them for him, just incase he wants to look at them later. I suggested a few ideas for the day all shot down instantly...(oh boy hear we go) I was surprised that he was willing to talk to me about it though. When I asked what was wrong..he told he was upset with daddy for leaving him..he didn't want to look at him any more..So I told him, as calmly as I could muster, that I was sad too and that daddy loves us very much and will be back as soon as he can. Whew! Now I think we are in for trouble...I then told him he could play with daddy's ipod while he is gone and he perked right up and was ready to go for the day!

I got to go duty calls!!