Gratitude, how easily you are robbed from me. I don't know if it is where we live or what we have, or who we are with, but gratitude just doesn't seem to last long enough. My heart is continually dissatisfied. It is a daily battle to be grateful and content with what I have.
I want bigger, better, newer everything. Why? Why do I seek what I do not have instead of loving what I do? I find myself seeking and searching out plans for new things. Discontentment is a hunger that will never be satisfied. The more I feed it, the hungrier it gets.
Who decides what is enough. I want to say I don't care if my clothes are old or my car is dying(and sings songs to everyone as we drive by;), my house only has one bathroom. The thing is I do care. Truth is, a massive amount of families all over the world are living in conditions that would make my life look like serious greed. Truth is, I am blessed beyond belief. I have a husband who treats me and our children very well. We have a house of our own, with enough bedrooms for our girls and boys to be in separate rooms, we have a working bathroom, a functional kitchen, carpeted floors, two vehicles that we own, shoes on our feet, clothes on our back and food in our bellies. A job. My hubby has a job. Nope we by no means , according to most of society, have it all. However, I am choosing gratitude. God has brought us from poverty and despair, to living on our own.
Discontentment feels burdensome. Gratitude feels joyous. There is life in thankfulness. So, I will shout it from the roof tops and remind myself daily to keep thankfulness on my mind and lips. When the world tries to burden me with ideas of greed and discontentment, I will remember what the Lord has done and what I already have.
It in my opinion, is completely selfish and prideful, to think we can do this life on our own. We look down on those who 'can't make it on their own'. So stop feeling bad when you need people, we all do!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Love is NOT Easily Angered.
As many of you know, parenting is the most exhausting and most gratifying oppertunity on the planet. Since I have been given the tremendous blessing of raising four people, it is the topic of most of my thoughts, and conversations.
I have been challenged since day one of mommy-hood with my emotions, actions, and re-actions. I want only the best for my kids. Often, I am realizing, I act out of selfish desires. My kiddos are 7, 6, 4, and 2. I have the ability now to see some of the effects of my parenting on my older children, good and bad.
About a month ago I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of frustration and anger in my home. My kids were fighting all the time, there was screaming and yelling. I was at my wits end. It seemed as if we were all against eachother. I felt llike a refferee, only an angry bitter one. Sure, I worked hard at never slandering or belittling my kids with words, however my tone was doing more harm than good. One day it hit me. There was to be NO MORE YELLING in our home. Now, Jonathan and I NEVER yell at eachother, we take great care in handling eachothers feelings with love and work hard at showing respect, always. However, our relationship with our children was headed down another road. I guess we thought that modeling healthy relationship between us would be good enough. I do believe us making our relationship a priority is important, not only for ourselves but our children as well.
My Dad always said respect is earned not owed. Well, I decided to take an agressive action towards our new NO MORE YELLING rule. I spent an entire, and I do mean entire, day stopping every flare up of anger and nip it in the butt. If I felt anger coming on I would stop, take a few deep breaths and either ask the child to sit in the other room or I would remove myself for a moment. Only when I was calm and thought I could speak to my child out of love and in a manner to help direct and teach them, not rebuke and belittle, would we come back together. I openely told the kids that mommy and daddy will no longer be yelling at anyone, that God asks us to be slow to anger and quick to listen, that love is not easily angered. That We love them dearly and it is wrong and unacceptable for us to raise our voices in anger towards them. I apologized and then would say, now you have to listen to when we are speaking softly.
It is NOT easy to control frustration and anger, especially when you are sick. I have been struggling with illness for almost a year now. First a minor stroke, then cancer, surgery, and radiation, and now Mono, and Lymes disease. I am living a distance from friends and family. All of us face challenges. If I truly love my kids I will be concerned with their hearts. I want my kids hearts turned towards me. I am a firm believer in discipline, not punishment. I admit I was heading down a bad path of losing my temper, and in that seperating my kids hearts from mine, little by little. When I scream, I crush their spirit. Ugh, I can't even believe I was so weak as to hurt the people I love most, what a selfish act anger is.
Since making this declaration in our home, things have CHANGED (though there have been slip ups). My kids are laughing with me more, we are making better connections. The kids are lying, crying, screaming, fighting, and disobeying far LESS. We are rebuilding trust in eachother. Instead of losing my temper, I am taking action before the volcano erupts. As parents, we are so busy, we don't always take the time to act before we are just re-acting. I'm finding the importance in acting, not re-acting like a fool.
Anger is weakness, self-control is strength! I can choose Love over anything, after all it is a choice.
I'm an imperfect person. If I can make this choice and change the dynamic in my home, so can you!
I have been challenged since day one of mommy-hood with my emotions, actions, and re-actions. I want only the best for my kids. Often, I am realizing, I act out of selfish desires. My kiddos are 7, 6, 4, and 2. I have the ability now to see some of the effects of my parenting on my older children, good and bad.
About a month ago I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of frustration and anger in my home. My kids were fighting all the time, there was screaming and yelling. I was at my wits end. It seemed as if we were all against eachother. I felt llike a refferee, only an angry bitter one. Sure, I worked hard at never slandering or belittling my kids with words, however my tone was doing more harm than good. One day it hit me. There was to be NO MORE YELLING in our home. Now, Jonathan and I NEVER yell at eachother, we take great care in handling eachothers feelings with love and work hard at showing respect, always. However, our relationship with our children was headed down another road. I guess we thought that modeling healthy relationship between us would be good enough. I do believe us making our relationship a priority is important, not only for ourselves but our children as well.
My Dad always said respect is earned not owed. Well, I decided to take an agressive action towards our new NO MORE YELLING rule. I spent an entire, and I do mean entire, day stopping every flare up of anger and nip it in the butt. If I felt anger coming on I would stop, take a few deep breaths and either ask the child to sit in the other room or I would remove myself for a moment. Only when I was calm and thought I could speak to my child out of love and in a manner to help direct and teach them, not rebuke and belittle, would we come back together. I openely told the kids that mommy and daddy will no longer be yelling at anyone, that God asks us to be slow to anger and quick to listen, that love is not easily angered. That We love them dearly and it is wrong and unacceptable for us to raise our voices in anger towards them. I apologized and then would say, now you have to listen to when we are speaking softly.
It is NOT easy to control frustration and anger, especially when you are sick. I have been struggling with illness for almost a year now. First a minor stroke, then cancer, surgery, and radiation, and now Mono, and Lymes disease. I am living a distance from friends and family. All of us face challenges. If I truly love my kids I will be concerned with their hearts. I want my kids hearts turned towards me. I am a firm believer in discipline, not punishment. I admit I was heading down a bad path of losing my temper, and in that seperating my kids hearts from mine, little by little. When I scream, I crush their spirit. Ugh, I can't even believe I was so weak as to hurt the people I love most, what a selfish act anger is.
Since making this declaration in our home, things have CHANGED (though there have been slip ups). My kids are laughing with me more, we are making better connections. The kids are lying, crying, screaming, fighting, and disobeying far LESS. We are rebuilding trust in eachother. Instead of losing my temper, I am taking action before the volcano erupts. As parents, we are so busy, we don't always take the time to act before we are just re-acting. I'm finding the importance in acting, not re-acting like a fool.
Anger is weakness, self-control is strength! I can choose Love over anything, after all it is a choice.
I'm an imperfect person. If I can make this choice and change the dynamic in my home, so can you!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Circle of life.
Aha ha ha. Here I am, lacking strength to go on. I'm Feeling tired and overworked. I pick up my bible and flip through. Then grab a journal and glare at the blank pages. I stumbled accross some old entries, I had written a few years ago. Ha. There are pages of distress and pages of praise and happiness. Life has a way of circling. In this I find hope. I was once lost and then found, it can happen again.
Journal Entry Oct 28th 2008
"We went to a beautiful wedding on saturday. I was so sad all day, becuase I was missing the wedding of my life long friend Katie. Instead we went to a friend of Jonathan's wedding.
I am begining to feel like I have lost a lot of myself. I always swore that it would never happen to me. I would always stay true to myself. This, I have learned, is impossible when you are a mommy and wife.
Why didn't anyone prepare me? Is it even possible to prepare for such things? My mom always said being married and having kids is the most difficult and rewarding job in the world. I guess you always think you are invincible, and I only heard the rewarding part;)
Our weekends are completely manipulated by sports; where to watch, with whom, and when. The children and I are just along for the ride, whether we like it or not! I can only go out if I organize babysitting, and even then I feel tremendously guilty, and consumed with when I can get home. Most times I have atleast one child with me, even if Jonathan is home. Jonathan can leave the house on a whim, taking no children, at his leisure!
I do not want to be bitter! This is what I signed up for. Perhaps this was the very fine print on the back of the page, I still endorsed. When I become this overwhelmed and unappreciative, I try to remind myself of what I am thankful for.
1. My children Isaac, Ellie, and Andrew.
2. Jonathan
3. Jesus Christ
4. my parents and siblings.
5. My in laws
6. my friends and church family
7. A roof over our head and food in our stomaches.
I'm already feeling more grateful! "
Journal entry Nov 25 2008
" Woke up at 7 am Jonathan handed me Andrew, now 7months old. Andrew proceeded to kiss and sqeeze my face off! Ellie was screaming " I want chocolate milk!" Isaac playing in his underwear, in the living room. Jonathan pressed his lips to my forhead, and he was off to work with a friend. My heart was PLEASED that Jonathan was going to work today, long awaited work! So I hopped out of bed to start my day. There was breakfast to be made, diapers and clothes to be changed, and a baby to nurse. No time like the present!"
Journal Entry Oct 28th 2008
"We went to a beautiful wedding on saturday. I was so sad all day, becuase I was missing the wedding of my life long friend Katie. Instead we went to a friend of Jonathan's wedding.
I am begining to feel like I have lost a lot of myself. I always swore that it would never happen to me. I would always stay true to myself. This, I have learned, is impossible when you are a mommy and wife.
Why didn't anyone prepare me? Is it even possible to prepare for such things? My mom always said being married and having kids is the most difficult and rewarding job in the world. I guess you always think you are invincible, and I only heard the rewarding part;)
Our weekends are completely manipulated by sports; where to watch, with whom, and when. The children and I are just along for the ride, whether we like it or not! I can only go out if I organize babysitting, and even then I feel tremendously guilty, and consumed with when I can get home. Most times I have atleast one child with me, even if Jonathan is home. Jonathan can leave the house on a whim, taking no children, at his leisure!
I do not want to be bitter! This is what I signed up for. Perhaps this was the very fine print on the back of the page, I still endorsed. When I become this overwhelmed and unappreciative, I try to remind myself of what I am thankful for.
1. My children Isaac, Ellie, and Andrew.
2. Jonathan
3. Jesus Christ
4. my parents and siblings.
5. My in laws
6. my friends and church family
7. A roof over our head and food in our stomaches.
I'm already feeling more grateful! "
Journal entry Nov 25 2008
" Woke up at 7 am Jonathan handed me Andrew, now 7months old. Andrew proceeded to kiss and sqeeze my face off! Ellie was screaming " I want chocolate milk!" Isaac playing in his underwear, in the living room. Jonathan pressed his lips to my forhead, and he was off to work with a friend. My heart was PLEASED that Jonathan was going to work today, long awaited work! So I hopped out of bed to start my day. There was breakfast to be made, diapers and clothes to be changed, and a baby to nurse. No time like the present!"
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Mommy Frustrations
I don't know if it is my illness or just a part of life. Does every mother struggle immensly with getting through each day. Do you all feel like most days are a begining to end struggle, and battle of the wills? Is it just me who feels I am consistantly striving in vain. I find myself daily trying to tread water and keep my head above water. I love my children more than anything on this earth, but I am overwhelmed on a regular basis. I commit daily to try harder to organize and prioritize too make life a bit simpler, it's not working.
This is the single most difficult job EVER. I am consumed with discipline, cleaning, folding, organizing, loving, caring, talking, answering, explaining, encouraging, punishing, feeding, shopping, transporting, referreeing, serving, serving, serving. I can do nothing alone, nothing. I must share my food, time, energy, lap, bathroom breaks, drinks, bed, personal space, if they could suck the breathe out of my lungs they would.
Do we all spend all day wondering if we are ruining our children for life. Are you all concerned about them spiritually, physically, mentally. Am I the only one obsessed with their social behavior and manners. Am I alone in fearing for their hearts, minds, souls, bodies? I keep finding myself on the verge of giving up, as if that is an option. I have always needed some space to myself to recenter myself and get back on track, daily. Now that this doesn't seem to be an option, I find myself frustrated and angry. I despise anger. It's depressing be used so much and feeling so empty. Am I a failure for getting so overwhelmed?
I have completed my first year as a stay at home mom. At first I was happy to finally get to things around my house, love on my kids, and be the one around to handle any situation. Now I feel I have lost myself in service to my family. Maybe this isn't so bad, if I can learn to adjust my perpective of what "me" is. Is there any higher calling than to serve others? It certainly is NOT a desired job. No one wants to be lost in service with no reward. No one notices all the times I clean up poo or scrub the toilet, sink, floors..and then have it ruined with in minutes, and do it over. No one cares about how many times I have to correct, explain, and encourage my children to do the right thing, obey their parents and love there brother as themselves. However, everyone cares and judges you as you walk the streets and stores. They are all watching to see how you treat your kids and how they act with others. Everyone is a critic. Trust me, what you see is not always what it seems!
Honestly, I don't care if what I have said here comes across as something a mother should never say. Life is tough, and I do not have what it takes to do this job. I don't. I do however know who does. I have to daily, hourly, minute by minute surrender my frustration, expectations, fears, failures, wants, desires to the Lord. The only one who gives me the strength to continue on in love, and hope. Without Jesus I am just an angry, selfish, self seeking, stubborn, lazy, unforgiving woman. I am all these things, but through Christ's sacrifice I am new. Becuase of Him, I have life. Due to Jesus I have life abundantly. I cry out to him, I worship him in my home, out loud with shouts of praise and prayer, and the dynamic changes from me and my pain to Him and his glory!
This is the single most difficult job EVER. I am consumed with discipline, cleaning, folding, organizing, loving, caring, talking, answering, explaining, encouraging, punishing, feeding, shopping, transporting, referreeing, serving, serving, serving. I can do nothing alone, nothing. I must share my food, time, energy, lap, bathroom breaks, drinks, bed, personal space, if they could suck the breathe out of my lungs they would.
Do we all spend all day wondering if we are ruining our children for life. Are you all concerned about them spiritually, physically, mentally. Am I the only one obsessed with their social behavior and manners. Am I alone in fearing for their hearts, minds, souls, bodies? I keep finding myself on the verge of giving up, as if that is an option. I have always needed some space to myself to recenter myself and get back on track, daily. Now that this doesn't seem to be an option, I find myself frustrated and angry. I despise anger. It's depressing be used so much and feeling so empty. Am I a failure for getting so overwhelmed?
I have completed my first year as a stay at home mom. At first I was happy to finally get to things around my house, love on my kids, and be the one around to handle any situation. Now I feel I have lost myself in service to my family. Maybe this isn't so bad, if I can learn to adjust my perpective of what "me" is. Is there any higher calling than to serve others? It certainly is NOT a desired job. No one wants to be lost in service with no reward. No one notices all the times I clean up poo or scrub the toilet, sink, floors..and then have it ruined with in minutes, and do it over. No one cares about how many times I have to correct, explain, and encourage my children to do the right thing, obey their parents and love there brother as themselves. However, everyone cares and judges you as you walk the streets and stores. They are all watching to see how you treat your kids and how they act with others. Everyone is a critic. Trust me, what you see is not always what it seems!
Honestly, I don't care if what I have said here comes across as something a mother should never say. Life is tough, and I do not have what it takes to do this job. I don't. I do however know who does. I have to daily, hourly, minute by minute surrender my frustration, expectations, fears, failures, wants, desires to the Lord. The only one who gives me the strength to continue on in love, and hope. Without Jesus I am just an angry, selfish, self seeking, stubborn, lazy, unforgiving woman. I am all these things, but through Christ's sacrifice I am new. Becuase of Him, I have life. Due to Jesus I have life abundantly. I cry out to him, I worship him in my home, out loud with shouts of praise and prayer, and the dynamic changes from me and my pain to Him and his glory!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
An Education
We recently began our adventure through Homeschool Land! This is all new to us. I was personally schooled at home from 2nd-12th grade, my hubby was home mostly through high school. So, no, it is not comepletely foreign. However, it is all new for me to be the Home school MOM.
The Home school mom is a tough women. I have been struggling to figure out who I am in all of this. I worry constantly about cirriculum, field trips, I am continually looking out for an educational experience. I worry I do not have enough to teach. Am I strong, smart, confident, patient enough?! So many questions! I am working it out day by day speaking to other families in my same situation trying to gleen from their experiences.
The mockery. Oh the mockery. I realize other people will not, do not, agree with this particular style of education. Most of the people who are so hard against the idea, have very little understanding of all that it entails. I was at my sons football practice yesterday and got into a convo involving all our kids and their first week at school. UGH! They were all complaining about teachers, class sizes and resources..blah blah blah. They then got to me. I began to feel my heart pounding in my chest, when I answered. "we have chosen to Home school this year." Rutro. Now, they pounced! One question after the next, " why. why not private, charter?" " How can you stand to have them home all day?" " Don't you want them around other kids?" " you're one of those moms who just can't let go?!" Wow, I was standing there kinda stunned. I had sat through many convos of my mom and other people discussing why she home schooled us, you know, it was easier being the kid:) I am not one to be overly concerned with other peoples opinions of how I live my life, but this involves my kids. Some people are just so inconsiderate and harsh.
Personally I hate it when people tell me how frustrating/annoying it must be to have so many kids, or to have them around all the time. I think it is mean to my children to say those things. Am I wrong? Is it not offensive to ask me infront of my children "How can you stand to have them around?" Are you kidding me!? Yes, parenting is tough, the toughest job there is. NO, I do not regret any of my babies! I cherish my children and feel it is my (and my husbands) soul priority to raise them well. I do not think that everyone must home school or should. I feel it is right for us, for now. We have many reasons for doing this.
I Do Not think My kids are deprived, in any way, for not attending school this year. If anything, they are in better shape for it.
I will forever be in debt to my mother who poured hours upon hours , days upon days, years upon years ,into me as I grew up. She nurtured me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I was well cared for. I do not ever regret being home schooled, as those were the best days of my life. Sure, I feel some things could, and probably should, have been done differently. Who doesn't feel some things could have been different in their past?
I do what I do, because my convictions lead me there.
The Home school mom is a tough women. I have been struggling to figure out who I am in all of this. I worry constantly about cirriculum, field trips, I am continually looking out for an educational experience. I worry I do not have enough to teach. Am I strong, smart, confident, patient enough?! So many questions! I am working it out day by day speaking to other families in my same situation trying to gleen from their experiences.
The mockery. Oh the mockery. I realize other people will not, do not, agree with this particular style of education. Most of the people who are so hard against the idea, have very little understanding of all that it entails. I was at my sons football practice yesterday and got into a convo involving all our kids and their first week at school. UGH! They were all complaining about teachers, class sizes and resources..blah blah blah. They then got to me. I began to feel my heart pounding in my chest, when I answered. "we have chosen to Home school this year." Rutro. Now, they pounced! One question after the next, " why. why not private, charter?" " How can you stand to have them home all day?" " Don't you want them around other kids?" " you're one of those moms who just can't let go?!" Wow, I was standing there kinda stunned. I had sat through many convos of my mom and other people discussing why she home schooled us, you know, it was easier being the kid:) I am not one to be overly concerned with other peoples opinions of how I live my life, but this involves my kids. Some people are just so inconsiderate and harsh.
Personally I hate it when people tell me how frustrating/annoying it must be to have so many kids, or to have them around all the time. I think it is mean to my children to say those things. Am I wrong? Is it not offensive to ask me infront of my children "How can you stand to have them around?" Are you kidding me!? Yes, parenting is tough, the toughest job there is. NO, I do not regret any of my babies! I cherish my children and feel it is my (and my husbands) soul priority to raise them well. I do not think that everyone must home school or should. I feel it is right for us, for now. We have many reasons for doing this.
I Do Not think My kids are deprived, in any way, for not attending school this year. If anything, they are in better shape for it.
I will forever be in debt to my mother who poured hours upon hours , days upon days, years upon years ,into me as I grew up. She nurtured me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I was well cared for. I do not ever regret being home schooled, as those were the best days of my life. Sure, I feel some things could, and probably should, have been done differently. Who doesn't feel some things could have been different in their past?
I do what I do, because my convictions lead me there.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
It's been a long time since I have blogged. These days, a few thoughts have me up at night. I hate this feeling, but at the same time, it's the one that moves me to change and action. Our lives are moving full steam ahead, all the while falling apart at the seams. As I laid in bed last night overwhelmed, I remebered all the things I have been brought out of and through in life. In my short 28 yrs of life, I have been blessed to see the Lords mighty hand of provision. I HATE needing him, or anyone! The fact is, I need Him whether I acknowledge it or not. I lay, tears down my face to be back in a position I know all to well. The feelings of inadequecy, desperation, greif. We have been poverty stricken for 6 yrs now. We have times when we see the ligh at the end of the tunnel, and than it seems covered in darkness. Not for lack of trying, we end up here once again. People pitty the poor. I hate pitty. I force belief, faith, love, strength, patience, kindness. I hate being preached at about this area of my life. when someone yells at you to have faith, it DOES NOT PRODUCE FAITH! I read back through some old blogs, yep God held me through. I know He is here today. These are just some thoughts, nothing incredibly uplifting or perfectly stated. No theories or scriptures to "back me up". I speak openly, struggle sucks, butin the end, we are better off for the storms that make us stronger, better, more complete people.
Monday, June 6, 2011
When is it time?
Am I giving God my best, expecting the best in return? Or am I giving God what's left and expecting the best in return? How often do we find ourselves in a position where we are begging and yearning for more, and yet we aren't willing to sacrifice a minute let alone a night or days to the closeness of Christ in our lives? I want the Glory, passion, impartation of the Lord, what am I willing to do to make it happen. Do I honestly NOT have time for Kingdom ways? What steps can I take to move in a more genuine relationship with the father? Committment is tough, but totally worth it. If I lived life like the cross truly meant what it did, and does, what would that look like? Religion that is pure is simple, care for the widdowed, poor, orphaned, love your neighbor as yourself...I think we tend to make it all so complicated. It's simple, put others first, Love honestly, tap into the father daily(hourly, minute by minute) to revive and restore your spirit man. We ask the same questions for years. When will i get past yadda yadda? When will i be in Gods perfect will? When will my life fall into place? Are we just waiting around with no action on our own? Are disappointments from our past holding us back?
No more, I want more, and I am gonna get it. How about you?
No more, I want more, and I am gonna get it. How about you?
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