No Fear

Well everyone, what seemed like a simple doctors visit has made an interesting turn. I have been struggling with some serious stomache pain over the past five months. I thought I was suffering from some gallbladder issues and placed myself on the "gallstone diet". However, the pain has been getting worse and making me nervous. Anyhow, I decided to go to the doctors. The only thing holding me back from going to the docs earlier was my lack of medical insurance. Anyway, I went to be seen and the NP seeing me was more concerned with the size of my thyroid. She sent me for bloodwork and ultrasounds for both the gallbladder and thyroid. Turns out, I do not have gallstones, but I do however have two fairly large nodules (I'll spare you the details) on my thyroid, and do to some other clinical findings, this is going to need to be biopsied. So, I will be enduring a test tomorrow (upper GI with sm intestine follow thru) and then the biopsy on my thyroid next fri.

All this to say, I was devastated at first! This is an understatement. Now, if you know me well, you know that I spent the better part of my entire life with a terribly ill mother. My mom suffered from many illnesses as well as Cancers. This news brought out a lot of fear in me, initially. I felt like a loss for words. "I do not want my mom's life!!" I kept saying "this can't happen, it just can't". The mere idea that my children and husband may have to endure what my family did, I'm sorry, but it's more than I can handle.

I have been deep in prayer and worship this past week. Thank you Jesus, for giving me a peace that passes all understanding. Now, I know that I am not my past, nor does my past predict my future. I have hope where it belongs. The Lord guided me to a verse this week, I am standing on this verse as truth. So, I ask that you join me in praying this truth into mine and my family's life.

Proverbs 3:5-12 The Message
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.

Church and Family

We have been in a constant struggle to fit into a church, these past few years. We can pick out the good and the bad of each and every place we go. The challenge seems to be in having a family with numerous small children. How do you fit into the church scene with little ones? Now, don't get me wrong, churches are primarily "kid friendly", but why does it seem so difficult? Why cant we seem to make it work? We have to get up and out of the house bright and early, with everyone cleaned up, fed, dressed, and prepped by 9 so ish am. Then we show up to crowds of people, being herded around the building like sheep( ha ha i know). Kids into the service, becuase I want my children to experience worship, then everyone shuffles off to respective classes ( now I have missed most of the service to potty breaks, and other misc needs)..attempt to sit down and enjoy the remainder of the sermon, and now our kids number is flashing on the big screen, and here we go again, until we finally get up and leave..whew! Or we attend a smaller church with a more family feel, but we have all the same problems. Ugh, I just don't know how others do it!! I want community, I just don't think it is in a church building! Church as we know it does not work for us right now. On the other hand, home groups don't work either, we have four little ones under the age of 5, there is no home group appropriate for these ages. Sigh..I have no solution. I feel like I am some kind of bad christian. Is it more important for my children to grow up understanding all the workings of church, or how to serve others, love always? Do we need to attend weekly meeetings in order to persue a righteous faith? I do believe I need the fellowship of believers in my life, but in what form? The deeper I persue God, the more I feel pulled and drawn to three things..1.care for orphans, and mistreated children 2.attend to the widows, and mothers who need support. 3.the sick and poor in need. These things I will be putting more time and energy into, and as a family..these things we can do. This does not require me to feel like a disappointment, nor will I feel like a failure because I can not commit to a single church body.
If We are in a wrong way, I am confident the Lord will redirect our paths.

My time alone is coming to an end. I could not be any happier about this! On the other hand, I am extremely emotional today. I miss him like nothing else. There are no words to express what I feel. Ok,there are words, but I won't bore you with them. My anxiety is building, more anxious with each coming day. I haven't heard form him this weekend, which is seriously horible. I know I sound overly dramatic, but this is really difficult! I worry about him constantly, I can not contact him. I send him letters everday, i don't know if and when he gets them. I don't know if he is hungry, tired, hurt, sick, happy, sad, angry, in trouble, doing well. I hate this! I want this week to fly. Then my mother says "just enjoy each day, cuz it's all you know you have, you may not have tomorrow." Yeah, ok..I have been trying to "enjoy" each day, but I am worn flat out! I will probably feel better tomorrow, My Lord will renew my strength. I just feel so sad. oy...

9days<3

Letters from Bon

I finally received my letters from my Airman today!! I would have been most excited to receive just one, but I got two;) He must still love me, or just like to talk about himself.
So, here goes.

1. His obstacle course training was cut short do to inclement weather (he was not happy about that)
2. His TI told his whole group(flight/squadren?) That when he was in training he flew under the radar, did his stuff right , and never got helled at, much like "Kane" then stated that if this gave him a big head he would kick the "shit out of him" ha ha.
3. He is passing all inspections, doing very well with the PT
4. He is leading an "athiest" he is with to the Lord!
5. He misses everyone!!
6. He has been sick, a bad cough/cold combo. He coughed real bad in his TI face when reporting and was sent to medical..His Ti told him he can't afford to lose him, if they want to beat their "Brother flight."
7. He seems much higher spirts as he reaches these last few weeks!
8. He had pics taken and got excited and ordered everything he could group photos\poster\every size\video (aparently they take photos and video them the whole time)..ha ha. So, when we receive them I will post some.

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers! Keep them coming, it's not over just yet;)

17days<3

You know, this whole time my hubs has been away, I have barely seen any of our friends at all. I mean this makes perfect sense, who would want to just hang out with me and the kids? I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I don't know who I am without him. Is this a picture of what life would be like if he ceased to exhist? Ugh I don't want to think about it.

So, Isaac told me today that he wants me to leave and go live at the Air foce and he wants Daddy to come home. To which I told him Daddy will be home in just a few weeks, and that I know it is hard. He then said no, he wants me gone, away, far away, or even dead. I choked back some tears, he is only 5. You know Isaac says alot of interesting things. I'm not sure if it is completely normal. He also told me today that it would be ok if the baby died , cuz God could just give me a new one in my belly. All the while, he was kissing her face off and talking to her in a sweet loving baby voice. Of course we then had to have a long discussion on the value of human life. Also, he was playing with a latex balloon and biting it, so I asked him to stop as he could choke on it and it would get trapped in his wind pipe and he could die! He then said it would be ok if he died cuz he would finally get to see Jesus, and he would be happy up in heaven. I then said no, it isn't ok if you die, mommy would cry everyday and be very very sad if i lost you..to which he asked "why would you be upset if I am with Jesus?" OMG this kid is gonna do me in.

20days<3

This has been an emotional week for me, topped off by today. A bit of a rough morning, lots of kids crying and moody. My parents then offered to spare me some sanity, once recognizing my pending meltdown. I left the house around ten with only the little one. I went shopping, picked up my sister, and continued to shop and chat. We then had a very relaxing lunch, get this folks, at a real restuarant. We don't see the likings of these very often. I returned home and was hit with reality. I had to get the kids ready for a birthday party. This was a war!! Everyone crying and
ca-fetching. I don't know, it just wore on me. I wanted to cry. When we finally all got into the car and on our way, I was already an hour late, I hate to be late. We arrive very late and andrew was hungry, ellie had to go potty, and Isaac started complaing of an earache. Seriously kids? Well, do to our tardiness most the food andrew would eat was gone, and Isaac, well he was getting very upset. I decided to just go home. Sigh. My awesome Brother In law helped me get them all in the car. Now, I hate to make a scene, but this is inevitable when you have four little kids! It makes me crazy sometimes, the tantrums over leaving, arg. I cried the whole way home from the party, I felt like I was falling apart. My husband had not called this weekend. Honestly, it wrecked me. Isaac joined me in my tears, as he smacked his ear and sobbed. When we got home, my parents had gone out. So, I waited for their return and took Isaac right to the ER to get his ear checked. Turns out he has a pretty severe ear infection, infact it started drainign after we left the ER. Also he aparently loooves the catholic church channel in the ER as he made me watch 30 mins of it.

So, in the midst of the storm today, I bonded with my little boy. We left the hospital, hand in hand. He is a gorgeous little kid, he really is. We didn't have the music on, since his ear was bothered by it. We talked. He asked about heaven and hell, and how you get to both? Why are there lines on the road? How fast and how big is God? What color is God, he decided he is blue. How old does he have to be to be a firefighter? How do you call for an ambulance? What is jail?..ect. This kid can sure ask alot of questions. When we got home, I held him and we laughed, oh man, he is almost too big for my lap already. Where has the time gone. My baby boy, my first born. Oh the hours spent, just staring at his precious little face. I can't let this time just fly by me. I need more moments like this one, to just be with him. One day my little children are going to grow up and be on their own, aaah what a scary thought! Well, what started out a real stress, ended in peace, and love. So, I suppose it was a good day after all. In the words of my Ellie "This was a greeaat day, right mom?"

So, Isaac tells me today that he can't remember what Daddy looks like! Oy! So I said well maybe we should look through some photos later so you can see him. He was ok with that answer, but stated that it would be ok if he got a new Daddy for a little while since he wants to play baseball, and he wants to learn how to ride his bike without training wheels. Oh man, this broke my heart! I tried to remain calm, as he is only five and has no idea what he is saying. So, I told him to practice on his bike real good, and when daddy returns in a few weeks he would be excited to teach him how to ride without the training wheels. Of course this became a discussion on how long a few weeks is. Ugh, they do not hand you a manual on how to raise kids in the military. They say there is tons of support, but unless I want to pack all my kids up on my own and take them for a trip down to the base and back, lets just say it doesn't sound fun. They had told Jonathan that they would be calling me weekly..umm you-hoo..no calls yet! So, we plug along. Every minute seems to be filled with new emotions. One minute I feel empowered to do anything, I am strong, confident, and able..the very next I am weak, exhausted, and incompetent.

On a good note I can join the pool around the corner for free this summer, do to Jonathan being active right now!! Can I get a woop woop? I'm just saying, that's exciting;) Of course, that will require great strength and courage. To bring four little ones to the pool by yourself, when you are as norotic as I am about water, and children, is frightning.

We will see. I can do this. This is not the end of the world. My sister brought up a good point today. She said honestly Bekah you aren't doing that much more with him gone. You always do everything anyway. Honestly this is true, although there have been a few things I have truly needed him for ..such as the pickle jar. Anywho, it's not that I am doing sooo much more, it's that I do not have his support. I do need him, just in different ways. Plus, my kids are not all emotionally inept with both of us around.

I don't know, I just do need him around, like by phone or anything at all. I would not have married him if I thought life would be great without him. Also, the kids really need to not be waking me up at 5 in the morning anymore! It is light out now that early, so I am totally confused and I end up getting up and putting on the tv. I'm totally clueless to the time until it is to late.

25 days<3