No Fear

Well everyone, what seemed like a simple doctors visit has made an interesting turn. I have been struggling with some serious stomache pain over the past five months. I thought I was suffering from some gallbladder issues and placed myself on the "gallstone diet". However, the pain has been getting worse and making me nervous. Anyhow, I decided to go to the doctors. The only thing holding me back from going to the docs earlier was my lack of medical insurance. Anyway, I went to be seen and the NP seeing me was more concerned with the size of my thyroid. She sent me for bloodwork and ultrasounds for both the gallbladder and thyroid. Turns out, I do not have gallstones, but I do however have two fairly large nodules (I'll spare you the details) on my thyroid, and do to some other clinical findings, this is going to need to be biopsied. So, I will be enduring a test tomorrow (upper GI with sm intestine follow thru) and then the biopsy on my thyroid next fri.

All this to say, I was devastated at first! This is an understatement. Now, if you know me well, you know that I spent the better part of my entire life with a terribly ill mother. My mom suffered from many illnesses as well as Cancers. This news brought out a lot of fear in me, initially. I felt like a loss for words. "I do not want my mom's life!!" I kept saying "this can't happen, it just can't". The mere idea that my children and husband may have to endure what my family did, I'm sorry, but it's more than I can handle.

I have been deep in prayer and worship this past week. Thank you Jesus, for giving me a peace that passes all understanding. Now, I know that I am not my past, nor does my past predict my future. I have hope where it belongs. The Lord guided me to a verse this week, I am standing on this verse as truth. So, I ask that you join me in praying this truth into mine and my family's life.

Proverbs 3:5-12 The Message
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.

Church and Family

We have been in a constant struggle to fit into a church, these past few years. We can pick out the good and the bad of each and every place we go. The challenge seems to be in having a family with numerous small children. How do you fit into the church scene with little ones? Now, don't get me wrong, churches are primarily "kid friendly", but why does it seem so difficult? Why cant we seem to make it work? We have to get up and out of the house bright and early, with everyone cleaned up, fed, dressed, and prepped by 9 so ish am. Then we show up to crowds of people, being herded around the building like sheep( ha ha i know). Kids into the service, becuase I want my children to experience worship, then everyone shuffles off to respective classes ( now I have missed most of the service to potty breaks, and other misc needs)..attempt to sit down and enjoy the remainder of the sermon, and now our kids number is flashing on the big screen, and here we go again, until we finally get up and leave..whew! Or we attend a smaller church with a more family feel, but we have all the same problems. Ugh, I just don't know how others do it!! I want community, I just don't think it is in a church building! Church as we know it does not work for us right now. On the other hand, home groups don't work either, we have four little ones under the age of 5, there is no home group appropriate for these ages. Sigh..I have no solution. I feel like I am some kind of bad christian. Is it more important for my children to grow up understanding all the workings of church, or how to serve others, love always? Do we need to attend weekly meeetings in order to persue a righteous faith? I do believe I need the fellowship of believers in my life, but in what form? The deeper I persue God, the more I feel pulled and drawn to three things..1.care for orphans, and mistreated children 2.attend to the widows, and mothers who need support. 3.the sick and poor in need. These things I will be putting more time and energy into, and as a family..these things we can do. This does not require me to feel like a disappointment, nor will I feel like a failure because I can not commit to a single church body.
If We are in a wrong way, I am confident the Lord will redirect our paths.