that one moment

As a mother I experience many different emotions, many of which exhausting. It seems when I am at my breaking point, feeling all hope is lost, and all my efforts are in vain, I see a glimpse.

These past few weeks with Jonathan gone have been "challenging". There have been moments where I truly beleived I am the worst mother ever. All the thoughts, I'm to strict, not strict enough, I yell to much, I'm not paying enough attention, am I leaving a kid out, the house is too messy, we dont get out enough, I dont teach enough, I work too much, dont sleep enough, yadda yadda.

Today I put on a childrens worship dvd and my childrens faces lit up with joy. We danced around the living room praising, and laughing. My heart was blessed as I witnessed my Esther Lynn with hands raised, eyes closed, singing with the most beautiful little voice. I was broken down, and lifted up. My children were dancing together, loving eachother. Seriously, there was no better gift for me today.

The funny thing with kids, one moment is peace and love, the next is a time for instruction, discipline/punishment. They are children, they make mistakes. I am a parent, I make mistakes. My sister reminded me today, of the impact of lost expectation in our lives. What do we choose to make of our new paths? How am I going to embrace my new journey in life?

I want more than anything for my children to know who they are, and what they are living for. If it takes every once of my being to help them to see, so be it. If I have to look fear on in the face and embrace life's challenges, well, it's what this walk is all about.

My mother taught me a few things growing up. 1) love the lord your God with all your heart 2) worship Him daily and in every trial. 3) you are stonger than you think you are.

18 days till my Man comes home:) 23 days till I venture across country with my chillins:)

No Fear

Well everyone, what seemed like a simple doctors visit has made an interesting turn. I have been struggling with some serious stomache pain over the past five months. I thought I was suffering from some gallbladder issues and placed myself on the "gallstone diet". However, the pain has been getting worse and making me nervous. Anyhow, I decided to go to the doctors. The only thing holding me back from going to the docs earlier was my lack of medical insurance. Anyway, I went to be seen and the NP seeing me was more concerned with the size of my thyroid. She sent me for bloodwork and ultrasounds for both the gallbladder and thyroid. Turns out, I do not have gallstones, but I do however have two fairly large nodules (I'll spare you the details) on my thyroid, and do to some other clinical findings, this is going to need to be biopsied. So, I will be enduring a test tomorrow (upper GI with sm intestine follow thru) and then the biopsy on my thyroid next fri.

All this to say, I was devastated at first! This is an understatement. Now, if you know me well, you know that I spent the better part of my entire life with a terribly ill mother. My mom suffered from many illnesses as well as Cancers. This news brought out a lot of fear in me, initially. I felt like a loss for words. "I do not want my mom's life!!" I kept saying "this can't happen, it just can't". The mere idea that my children and husband may have to endure what my family did, I'm sorry, but it's more than I can handle.

I have been deep in prayer and worship this past week. Thank you Jesus, for giving me a peace that passes all understanding. Now, I know that I am not my past, nor does my past predict my future. I have hope where it belongs. The Lord guided me to a verse this week, I am standing on this verse as truth. So, I ask that you join me in praying this truth into mine and my family's life.

Proverbs 3:5-12 The Message
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.

Church and Family

We have been in a constant struggle to fit into a church, these past few years. We can pick out the good and the bad of each and every place we go. The challenge seems to be in having a family with numerous small children. How do you fit into the church scene with little ones? Now, don't get me wrong, churches are primarily "kid friendly", but why does it seem so difficult? Why cant we seem to make it work? We have to get up and out of the house bright and early, with everyone cleaned up, fed, dressed, and prepped by 9 so ish am. Then we show up to crowds of people, being herded around the building like sheep( ha ha i know). Kids into the service, becuase I want my children to experience worship, then everyone shuffles off to respective classes ( now I have missed most of the service to potty breaks, and other misc needs)..attempt to sit down and enjoy the remainder of the sermon, and now our kids number is flashing on the big screen, and here we go again, until we finally get up and leave..whew! Or we attend a smaller church with a more family feel, but we have all the same problems. Ugh, I just don't know how others do it!! I want community, I just don't think it is in a church building! Church as we know it does not work for us right now. On the other hand, home groups don't work either, we have four little ones under the age of 5, there is no home group appropriate for these ages. Sigh..I have no solution. I feel like I am some kind of bad christian. Is it more important for my children to grow up understanding all the workings of church, or how to serve others, love always? Do we need to attend weekly meeetings in order to persue a righteous faith? I do believe I need the fellowship of believers in my life, but in what form? The deeper I persue God, the more I feel pulled and drawn to three things..1.care for orphans, and mistreated children 2.attend to the widows, and mothers who need support. 3.the sick and poor in need. These things I will be putting more time and energy into, and as a family..these things we can do. This does not require me to feel like a disappointment, nor will I feel like a failure because I can not commit to a single church body.
If We are in a wrong way, I am confident the Lord will redirect our paths.

My time alone is coming to an end. I could not be any happier about this! On the other hand, I am extremely emotional today. I miss him like nothing else. There are no words to express what I feel. Ok,there are words, but I won't bore you with them. My anxiety is building, more anxious with each coming day. I haven't heard form him this weekend, which is seriously horible. I know I sound overly dramatic, but this is really difficult! I worry about him constantly, I can not contact him. I send him letters everday, i don't know if and when he gets them. I don't know if he is hungry, tired, hurt, sick, happy, sad, angry, in trouble, doing well. I hate this! I want this week to fly. Then my mother says "just enjoy each day, cuz it's all you know you have, you may not have tomorrow." Yeah, ok..I have been trying to "enjoy" each day, but I am worn flat out! I will probably feel better tomorrow, My Lord will renew my strength. I just feel so sad. oy...

9days<3

Letters from Bon

I finally received my letters from my Airman today!! I would have been most excited to receive just one, but I got two;) He must still love me, or just like to talk about himself.
So, here goes.

1. His obstacle course training was cut short do to inclement weather (he was not happy about that)
2. His TI told his whole group(flight/squadren?) That when he was in training he flew under the radar, did his stuff right , and never got helled at, much like "Kane" then stated that if this gave him a big head he would kick the "shit out of him" ha ha.
3. He is passing all inspections, doing very well with the PT
4. He is leading an "athiest" he is with to the Lord!
5. He misses everyone!!
6. He has been sick, a bad cough/cold combo. He coughed real bad in his TI face when reporting and was sent to medical..His Ti told him he can't afford to lose him, if they want to beat their "Brother flight."
7. He seems much higher spirts as he reaches these last few weeks!
8. He had pics taken and got excited and ordered everything he could group photos\poster\every size\video (aparently they take photos and video them the whole time)..ha ha. So, when we receive them I will post some.

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers! Keep them coming, it's not over just yet;)

17days<3

You know, this whole time my hubs has been away, I have barely seen any of our friends at all. I mean this makes perfect sense, who would want to just hang out with me and the kids? I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I don't know who I am without him. Is this a picture of what life would be like if he ceased to exhist? Ugh I don't want to think about it.

So, Isaac told me today that he wants me to leave and go live at the Air foce and he wants Daddy to come home. To which I told him Daddy will be home in just a few weeks, and that I know it is hard. He then said no, he wants me gone, away, far away, or even dead. I choked back some tears, he is only 5. You know Isaac says alot of interesting things. I'm not sure if it is completely normal. He also told me today that it would be ok if the baby died , cuz God could just give me a new one in my belly. All the while, he was kissing her face off and talking to her in a sweet loving baby voice. Of course we then had to have a long discussion on the value of human life. Also, he was playing with a latex balloon and biting it, so I asked him to stop as he could choke on it and it would get trapped in his wind pipe and he could die! He then said it would be ok if he died cuz he would finally get to see Jesus, and he would be happy up in heaven. I then said no, it isn't ok if you die, mommy would cry everyday and be very very sad if i lost you..to which he asked "why would you be upset if I am with Jesus?" OMG this kid is gonna do me in.

20days<3

This has been an emotional week for me, topped off by today. A bit of a rough morning, lots of kids crying and moody. My parents then offered to spare me some sanity, once recognizing my pending meltdown. I left the house around ten with only the little one. I went shopping, picked up my sister, and continued to shop and chat. We then had a very relaxing lunch, get this folks, at a real restuarant. We don't see the likings of these very often. I returned home and was hit with reality. I had to get the kids ready for a birthday party. This was a war!! Everyone crying and
ca-fetching. I don't know, it just wore on me. I wanted to cry. When we finally all got into the car and on our way, I was already an hour late, I hate to be late. We arrive very late and andrew was hungry, ellie had to go potty, and Isaac started complaing of an earache. Seriously kids? Well, do to our tardiness most the food andrew would eat was gone, and Isaac, well he was getting very upset. I decided to just go home. Sigh. My awesome Brother In law helped me get them all in the car. Now, I hate to make a scene, but this is inevitable when you have four little kids! It makes me crazy sometimes, the tantrums over leaving, arg. I cried the whole way home from the party, I felt like I was falling apart. My husband had not called this weekend. Honestly, it wrecked me. Isaac joined me in my tears, as he smacked his ear and sobbed. When we got home, my parents had gone out. So, I waited for their return and took Isaac right to the ER to get his ear checked. Turns out he has a pretty severe ear infection, infact it started drainign after we left the ER. Also he aparently loooves the catholic church channel in the ER as he made me watch 30 mins of it.

So, in the midst of the storm today, I bonded with my little boy. We left the hospital, hand in hand. He is a gorgeous little kid, he really is. We didn't have the music on, since his ear was bothered by it. We talked. He asked about heaven and hell, and how you get to both? Why are there lines on the road? How fast and how big is God? What color is God, he decided he is blue. How old does he have to be to be a firefighter? How do you call for an ambulance? What is jail?..ect. This kid can sure ask alot of questions. When we got home, I held him and we laughed, oh man, he is almost too big for my lap already. Where has the time gone. My baby boy, my first born. Oh the hours spent, just staring at his precious little face. I can't let this time just fly by me. I need more moments like this one, to just be with him. One day my little children are going to grow up and be on their own, aaah what a scary thought! Well, what started out a real stress, ended in peace, and love. So, I suppose it was a good day after all. In the words of my Ellie "This was a greeaat day, right mom?"

So, Isaac tells me today that he can't remember what Daddy looks like! Oy! So I said well maybe we should look through some photos later so you can see him. He was ok with that answer, but stated that it would be ok if he got a new Daddy for a little while since he wants to play baseball, and he wants to learn how to ride his bike without training wheels. Oh man, this broke my heart! I tried to remain calm, as he is only five and has no idea what he is saying. So, I told him to practice on his bike real good, and when daddy returns in a few weeks he would be excited to teach him how to ride without the training wheels. Of course this became a discussion on how long a few weeks is. Ugh, they do not hand you a manual on how to raise kids in the military. They say there is tons of support, but unless I want to pack all my kids up on my own and take them for a trip down to the base and back, lets just say it doesn't sound fun. They had told Jonathan that they would be calling me weekly..umm you-hoo..no calls yet! So, we plug along. Every minute seems to be filled with new emotions. One minute I feel empowered to do anything, I am strong, confident, and able..the very next I am weak, exhausted, and incompetent.

On a good note I can join the pool around the corner for free this summer, do to Jonathan being active right now!! Can I get a woop woop? I'm just saying, that's exciting;) Of course, that will require great strength and courage. To bring four little ones to the pool by yourself, when you are as norotic as I am about water, and children, is frightning.

We will see. I can do this. This is not the end of the world. My sister brought up a good point today. She said honestly Bekah you aren't doing that much more with him gone. You always do everything anyway. Honestly this is true, although there have been a few things I have truly needed him for ..such as the pickle jar. Anywho, it's not that I am doing sooo much more, it's that I do not have his support. I do need him, just in different ways. Plus, my kids are not all emotionally inept with both of us around.

I don't know, I just do need him around, like by phone or anything at all. I would not have married him if I thought life would be great without him. Also, the kids really need to not be waking me up at 5 in the morning anymore! It is light out now that early, so I am totally confused and I end up getting up and putting on the tv. I'm totally clueless to the time until it is to late.

25 days<3

There isn't much in life that can stretch you as much as family dynamics. It is one of those things that you will be judged on forever. How do you treat your husband, kids, parents, siblings..ect. There are no relationships more important. Anyone can maintain a friendship, but it takes real character to maintain healthy family relationships. Nothing like someone who is close to throw a dagger at your heart in seconds. Now, is this a true dagger, or do we just perceive it as such because of the relationship? I feel that most of the time, it is a perception do to the amount of our heart involved. We get defensive, and nasty over ridiculous things. How can we begin to mend broken communication? What do you do when gentle words and explanations no longer work? You know, as much as we try, we can not leave the brokeness home. It comes with us wherever we go. It could potentially mess up every relationship you have, if you let it.

Fortunate

I received a letter from Jonathan today! This is my second letter from him. I would have felt blessed regardless of what he wrote, just to see his thoughts. Fortunately for me, he expressed how much he was grateful to have me, and how he has been reading up on what makes a good wife and mother in proverbs. Well, lets just say he blew me away with his lovingness;) He spoke to my heart, in minutes I felt inspired to be better, stronger ect. I am so fortunate to have a husband who is thinking and praying for me, even when at Boot Camp! Today, I feel blessed.

Just some thoughts...

Mercy Me- I can only imagine with lyrics

Prepare the way.

I started thinking yesterday about Bon's return and how I wanted to make sure everything was done around the house. Clothes clean, rooms clean, food ready for the week..ect. I want to make sure that when he returns I have time to really spend with him, not wasted time on other things. Now, Jonathan doesn't care about the mess, but I will. As I pondered what I was going to do for his return, The Lord spoke to me.

How often do we prepare the way for The most high King before entering his presence? We, know that regardless of what we do, he will meet with us. It is not a matter of whether his presence will be there or not, or if he will except you as you are. Rather, what will your time with him consist of? Will it be a time of repentance, and house keeping, or of Glory, and adoration? Hmm..I keep hearing "prepare the way! Prepare the way for the most high King!" What does it mean to prepare the way, how do I, someone so small, prepare a way for the king? Wow, he truly desires to meet with me, with us. Perhaps I should put more time and attention into my "meetings" with the Father? What does true reverence look like? I keep thinking of Mercy Me song "I can only imagine"

Bleh Bleh Bleh!!

I had a pretty good day today at work, the only problem is that I generally call Jonathan on my breaks, and on my drives to and from. My convos with him may have been brief on these days, but it was still a constant. Ugh, this just totally stinks.

From the second I got home the tantrums started. One child after the next melting down before my eyes. I held it together, but on the inside I was certainly crying. We got through dinner (barely) and baths to jammies. Then I laid Drew drew down cuz he was miiiiiissseeerrraaabbblle! Then My Dad offered to take the two older ones up to his room for a movie night;) Which left me with the precious little Bink! I got her ready for bed, fed and changed.

Now, I am on my own...Glad for the quiet, but sad that i'm without my spouse, my other half..:(
listened to my uplifting music all day today on my ipod at work..yet I am still struggling to find the joy today. I did find a glimpse of it in my Ellie's sweet kiss, Isaac's generosity, Drew's patheticness, and Bink's innocense.

Handling the children's emotions is hard when your very own emotions are so sky high. The othe rnight at church we had a meltdown. This was not an ordinary tantrum. Isaac had told me earlier on that night that the big boys would not let him play with them after church. My heart broke for him, as I know he struggles with social peer play. I didn't have the time to help him start a game as I was tending to my two little ones, who were both having moments of their own. A few mins later I instisted that we leave, lets face it everyone was crying and it was time. I had to pull isaac out of the building he was devastated. As we reached the car he was hysterical. I got down on his level and held him close, I just knew there was more to these tears. As I held him he let out a sob, one I had never really heard him do before. He was genuinely crying, he buried his head in my shoulder and seemed to melt into me. I rubbed his back trying to soothe him with a calm voice.." it's ok..Isaac..it's gona be ok."

I realize our struggles could be much worse. I am aware that I do not live the worst life by any means. I am blessed, as are my children. We have love in abundance. We just Miss the Man of the house, we have days where we fall apart and days when we almost forget.

A light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see it yet, trust me, I'm trying;)

Isaac is starting to question me about Bon ever coming back. I feel so badly for the little guy. I remember being young and missing one of my parents..this truly is a long time to a five yr old. I had told him he has 7 more tee ball games till daddy came back, well he doesn't have a game this week. When I told him this was his teams week off, he got upset and was like.." but but will it still be 7 games or 6 games till daddy comes home ..oh no..now i don't get to count one down ..or do i?" He was relieved to hear it will only be 6 more games now;)

I got to hold my new little niece today! She is precious and yummy, and smells brand new! Aaah it was delightful! New life is such a beautiful experience. It amazes me each and every time.

Our trip to Bon's gradution is booked!

Missing Him:(

I want him home now! I know I said it was getting easier..what was I thinking! I should never have said anything. I was tortured last night with missing him. It seemed everything on tv was a love story ugh...sigh. I wonder if I will survie his next deployments?? On a good note, I think we have all the kinks worked out for our trip down to see him in june!! It can not come soon enough. I would like to go shopping except military pay screwed up jonathan's pay, and well, they neglected to pay him at all! So frustrating. I had to hack into his mypay account...which took a while and then try to fix things, while on the phone with the finance lady on Base. Why nothing can just work, I'm not sure. Also, Bon's job had a large amount of giant cardboard boxes delivered to our front porch, which you know was very nice of them...what?? Umm do they not know he is gone?? Anywho, I guess I will get a nice workout attempting to carry them around back and down into the basement. Hopefully none of the nieghbors are watching;) I need to exercise..that's it! Now, how, when, and where??

me<3

2wks

Two weeks have passed since my love left. In some ways things are getting a bit easier. I am not going to my phone everytime I think of him, just to realize I can't call him. I am adjusting to sleeping without him by my side. I am thinking of him less and less through out the day (he's still on my mind quite often, just not every min). Now, this is two fold. On one hand, it feels better to be adjusting, and on the other....I don't want to beable to live without him! I got a letter from him today, ha! I felt like I did when we were teenagers and I would here that "you've got mail!" when I would sign online. I mean, there was no text messaging, we didn't even have cell phones. Aaah the feelings of love;) I remeber this one time, we went on a youth retreat to the poconos. I snuck into his room and left a packet of crackers on his pillow, we then proceeded to leave the crackers for eachother throughout the trip. Now, he apparently kept the packet cuz he sent it to me in the mail, all crunched up and worn. My mom said to me " do you like Bon?" I would say "no, we are just good friends." Ha these little things made me love him little by little. He also had a collection of my pens he would routinely steal from me at youth group..yeah I found those just before we got married, as we were cleaning out his room at his parents. I know it sounds stalkerish, but it meant he actually was truly interested in me and... whatever..i thought it was sweet;)


6 more weeks!!

To Hear His voice.

Jonathan called me tonight!!!!!! It was 10 whole minutes of BLISS! OK, so it wasn't actually BLISS but whatever! (girlie my boy just called me voice) So, My phone rang I looked at it and "omg it's him!!!!" I thought I was going to fall over in the kitchen! Everything else slipped away, and all I could even acknowledge was his voice! OMG..what a relief!

1. He said he is OK
2. He said He is doing really well on all the physical stuff
3. He misses me (tears in his voice) ;)
4. He wants prayer and lots of it!!!
5. He will be working at the church every sunday, he said they all cry like babies through the whole service. He is also in charge of getting people to and from chruch ( he mentioned this with pride..must be good to be chosen..don't know)
6. He misses the children, he couldn't barely talk about it.
7. He sent me a letter!!! I can't wait to get it. A letter from Jonathan?? Now this is special!!

I feel overwhlemed with peace, and joy, and love, and worry for him. I desperately love this Man, and to know he is going through so much..ugh..Let's face it, He's awesome..k;)
He begged me to send more pics of the kids, and all of us, and whatever. He seemed so relieved that the first week was over, he said it was living H-E-L-L! I feel a bit like a love struck teenage girl..ha ha..I'm so glad to hear his voice!! Have I mentioned I'm glad he called?? Is it wrong of me to find peace in the fact that he misses me so much? I'm such a mean wife, I just really needed to know that. Of course now I pray he won't miss me so much, cuz I know how it feels and he doesn't have anyone to turn to:( He did say he is getting along with a couple of the guys there, so perhaps some good friendships will come out of all this. So, please please lift Bon up in prayer if you think of it.

me <3

Wedding Day Jitters

This day six long years ago was an amzing marker in my life. This marked a day of union. A day that brought me much peace, and comfort. I can remember feeling so relieved to finally be married, finally aloud to truly love my favorite man ever! To be in God's will. The moment we said our vows, I didn't cry because I was nervous, but blessed and relieved. I think because it was drilled into my brain to be pure be pure be pure..I had a very hard time dating. For one, I wouldn't even date Jonathan until he told me he knew he was going to marry me from the day he met me( by the way, he was only 13 when we met). It feels like yesterday, I was overwhlemed with butterflies, did he actually think I was worthy to marry? I had recieved a word from the Lord when I was 17. "You know the man you will marry, I have set him apart for you, he loves children, you will have a ministry of children with him, he has a heart for missions, it's strong, it will drive him to greatness in me, he knows you are the one, when it's time he will tell you." So, like a good, faithful daughter I waited. Looking back I only waited a year, but as a teenager it seemed much longer.

Jonathan and I have been blessed, not just to have eachother, but to have only ever had eachother.
Not many people have the value in their marriage of having only had one person ever fill that place in their heart. We have gone through some extremely trying times these past few years, thank goodness there were no people to turn back to, if you know what I mean. We have clung to eachother with no past relationship baggage. It seems life baggage is more than enough. I had crushes on other boys growing up and dabbled in a bit of flirting, you know "christian flirting" There were a few times when things almost became more, and this is when I heard the word God gave me. He rescued me from making a terrible mistake. I feel so abundantly blessed in our decision to remain pure, and gaurd our hearts with a vengeance!

I want to encourage young people today! Gaurd your hearts, it is the store house for the Lord! You don't realize what really takes place once you allow someone to hang out in your heart. Respect the temple of the Lord, don't allow anyone or anything to taint you. Be steadfast, it will pay off. Though there certainly is grace, and abundantly so, give it all you have to purity.

I thought I would be sad today on our anniversary, without Jonathan by my side. I'm not sad at all, I am glad and proud of my awesome husband! He is a great man, full of character! He is willing to sacrifice himself, not only for his family but for his nation. What a good Good man, the Lord knows so much better than I do. I am blessed on this day! I love my husband, and he loves me, it's gonna be a great new year!

pain in the neck

I woke up this morning with extreme pain in my neck. I tried stretching, meds, hot compresses, nothing worked. It got to the point where I could not turn my head from side to side at all, and driving was frightening. So, I made a stop at the chiropractor!! I showed up and she says "it's been a long time..what brings you in now after two years???" I was a bit taken back by her atitude. She was right, what has taken me soo long? I told her about my four pregnancies and chaotic life, funny how she didn't seem to care..ha ha. Anyway, My entire back was cracking like rice crispies in a fresh bowl of milk. As I continued to discuss the facts of my stressful life I started crying, yes you heard me, I let out the tears infront of a stranger that I have not seen in years! There I lay, she had my head in her hands..she said in a soothing calm voice "don't worry..I'm going to do this, you just have to let go..relax and let me help you." Wow..let go? let go?! What does that look like exactly?? I wiped the tears from my face and thanked her a million times as I agreed to come back two or three times next week.

This brought me to think about letting go, what does it mean? I still have to manage my family, myself (currently my entire body seems to be falling apart at the seems), my work. What does being still and knowing mean, or better yet look like? Hmm I have a feeling I will soon find out.

So, lets see..Me
1. gall bladder attack ( trying to maintain a fat free diet full of every other nutrient)
2. neck pain (unable to sleep, turn head side to side)
3. allergies
4. Stressed about needing everyone all the time.
5. finances/paying bills on my own.
6. managing meals and schedules
7. Horrible tooth aches shooting down my jaw line.
Andrew
1. excessive thrist and hunger ( having lab work done today)
Isaac
1. allergies
2. emotions sky high (inability to handle Bon's departure)
3. Getting evaluated for signs of Asperger's Syndrome
Melody
1. gastric distress
Now Be still and know! Hmm I'm trying, I'm trying...You're right this is not that bad. These are things that are a simple part of life and we will all be fine. We may even come out on the victorious side. I struggle with making schedules..it is something that takes a lot of effort for me. I know it drives everyone around me crazy, but it is me. So, to be put in a position where this is going to be completely neccesary for my survival, to organize our lives in a much more detailed manner, has me nuts!!

morning

I awoke this morning feeling empowered! I had been dreaming that Bon was next to me, and when I woke up it was Drew drew!! He was wide awake, cuddled up in my bed, staring into my eyes as he pet my hair;) Awe, my heart filled with warm loving feelings. It was surely bound to be a great day.

Well, I had to get the kiddos ready for a 1000 appt at the pediatrician, for the baby. From the begining the kids were, well, stubborn. no one wanted to get dressed "come on everyone lets get dressed...come on..pick out some clothes!" " no i don't want to..i don't like that shirt..noo not those shoes..i wanna wear my bathing suit...i don't like socks like that..i wanna stay home!!" I tried with everything in me to remain cool. I then danced around the kitchen with andrew, and made ellie laugh as i pretended to drop the hershey syrup bottle all over the kitchen floor, in my hap hazard efforts to get it back into the frig. Isaac stood, ticked off and miserable, denied happiness at every turn! The milk is too cold, now it's too hot, now not enough syrup, now too much! AAAAAh I dying here!!! Now, the clock is ticking!!! I already missed an appt for the baby last week, I had to get there on time. Then as we were trying to get shoes on and jackets it began again.."not that jacket, the other one" " the other one is broken, Isaac" " i don't care, i wanna wear it!!!!! (tears everwhere)" Well lets just say i lost my coool al together in a very embarrassing and diapointing way. I screamed at him to put hi frickin shoes on!!!! this is not about you right now!!! Get the heck ready and get your stubborn little butt in the stinking car!!!!!! which was followed by more yelling and crying.

We finally were in the car, with no time left for my ice coffee run! I began to sob and sob. I felt like a complete failure of a mother. Why did I let things escalate that far? Why didn't i take control earlier, beofre I lost my temper!? I hated myself for screaming and hurting my son. ugh..Fail! Just stamp it on my forehead! I know I know..I came back to reality. I apologized to the kids, and we all agreed to start the day over.

Just waiting for the peace<3

waiting for the peace

I am not sure who I am in life without my best friend, my husband. Almost every person at the party today asked me how Bon was doing or if he liked it. Hello!! He is not allowed to call me, I have not a single frickin clue what is going on with him!! I don't know when, if ever, he will call or how long it will be for, or what it will be about. I miss him so much I am sick. I'm not upset with people for asking..it's a natural thing to do in conversation. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel weird, alone, preoccupied, lost. I hope I do not come off as disturbed when speaking with others..ha ha. Although, I did have a few moments today when Jonathan was not on my mind..it was peaceful..they passed quickly.

ok, so The man has been gone for what two days!!? I keep talking about how i am feeling, thinking it is going to make things easier..it's not. I want to know what is going on with my husband, is he ok, is he sleeping, eating, are there any good guys there, is he upset, does he kinda like it, who what when where??? ugh the suspense of all of this is truly making me a bit madd. I am trying to figure out how to get a decent price on a flight to go to his graduation ..and it is not looking so promising:( How on earth could I ever afford a $700 ticket? There has to be a way, I mean don't people do this all the time? Perhaps we will just pack up all four kids and take a massive road trip to graduation..hmm maybe not..lol. I could start walking now, and I should be there in time? Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud.

View point

How do you view the Holy Trinity? Is one figure bigger, wiser, stronger, more powerful, more important than an other? Really though, picture them now. I read of an anology where we western christians view the Holy Trinity as God the Father sitting at the head of the table, then Christ as a smaller man, and then the holy spirit as a bird. Where as Eastern christians See three equal beings sitting around a table talking about us all.

How do you see it? This stretched me a bit to think about my views and understanding of God in general, as in his relation to us as three parts. Are they truly sitting about conversing and interceding for me? So difficult to comprehend. Are there really things that Jesus wants to see the holy spirit work in my life? I beleive so. I think, as crazy as it sounds, I desire to spend as much time as I can in Their courts of praise, so that I may see more clearly their desires and hearts cry.

You know, it says in scripture that we enter his courts with praise..not prayer..why would we rather try to begin with prayer and not praise? Why do we not place Him where he belongs, before we begin conversing? Or better yet, why is this a stretch for us? Is He not the alpha and omega, the begining and the end? Elohim (God), Jehovah-rapha(the Lord who heals),Jehovah-Nissi(The Lord our banner),Jehovah-Shalom( the Lord our Peace),Jehovah Sabaoth(the Lord of hosts),The resurrection, the truth, the life,the light of the world,the bread of life, the good shepherd, "Before Abraham was, I Am!" Hmm My thoughts for the day.

This has been a very tough morning full of tears and anxiety..But still my God is good, and has restored my peace in this moment of revelation, of who He is, was, and is to come!

seperation anxiety

I realize we have only been apart for 1 1/2 days, but I feel like I am experiencing some tough seperation anxiety. It's like the fear for the future seperation..ha ha. It's not that my husband is away, I am used to him working really long hours and being a away for days at a time. It's the distance, the lack of communication, the unknown. I know he will not be the same man when he returns, which makes me nervous. It's so hard to explain.

Everytime I talk to anyone about it they just say "this is good for him" or " he's fine." Ok, as much as you all are simply trying to help, those statements are not helpful. I know this is going to be good for him, and yes he will be fine..but for goodness sake my husband who I have not been seperated from in 9 yrs..just left me with no definite opportunity to call or write..he will write..But if you know Jonathan, there may not be much he says. He may be asking for sports scores..ha ha ha. I sent him his first letter today!

I feel like a little kid right now..am I to dependant on my husbands relationship??

Ah whatever...Ithink I can, I think I can, I think I can;)

My heart hurts

My heart hurts, I'm sick inside. I have dreaded these feelings! The only thing keeping me eating is the fact that I have an infant to nurse. My stomache is churning and turning.

For any of you that have been pregnant before you know how it consumes you. I feel as though I just found out of the positive pregnancy. The butterflies, the preoccupation with self. I can't think of anything else, I just keep praying and praying. For Him, for me, for the children...whew..we should all be blessed when this is all through! I keep reminding myself that suffering brings forth character!!! Honestly though, how much character does one need?

Thankfully, I have had my wonderful mother in-law to call whenever I need. She, like me, has a lot investing in this man and loves him dearly. I am sure, unfortunatly for her, I will be calling "frequently" for a shoulder to cry on. Of course, at least I hope, not at much as today;)

sigh...I need to take deep breaths..this to shall pass? ugh my tumy hurts..I do love the man:(

Day 1 on our journey!

Well friends, this morning has been a tough one. We went to bed last night in tears. We decided not to make it a big deal with the kids. Jonathan and I told them he would be gone early in the morning and all. We prayed and hugged the kids and off to bed they went. Jonathan quickly exited the room to cry, for the first time since this all began. I have to admit he has been very strong.

Being apart is going to be tough. Not just because we won't see eachother, but we won't beable to communicate much at all. Unless you consider a weekly letter and a 5min conversation communicating.

I dropped Jonathan off at the airport at 1/4 till 7...Remarkably I wasn't a complete basket case , and by that I mean I wasn't swerving off the road due to an inability to see past my tears. I thought it not wise to come home a mess, for my childrens sake, that is. So, I did what any deserving woman would do, I went shopping. Of course not my favorite type (grocery). While I was there I had some photos developed of me and the Hubs and the kids and him. I then bought little frames to put them in.

Upon my arrival home I was met by a grumpy 5yr old and two silly toddlers (the baby was being put to bed). I showed the kids their respective pics ...Ellie was very excited and wanted to hold them imediatly. Isaac told me they didn't look good and ..that he didn't want to look at them. He threw it on the floor and left the room. I told him I would hold on to them for him, just incase he wants to look at them later. I suggested a few ideas for the day all shot down instantly...(oh boy hear we go) I was surprised that he was willing to talk to me about it though. When I asked what was wrong..he told he was upset with daddy for leaving him..he didn't want to look at him any more..So I told him, as calmly as I could muster, that I was sad too and that daddy loves us very much and will be back as soon as he can. Whew! Now I think we are in for trouble...I then told him he could play with daddy's ipod while he is gone and he perked right up and was ready to go for the day!

I got to go duty calls!!

The tears have srpung!

The kids have been "emotional" since we started discussing Bon's departure this past week. Tonight was the worst so far, and probably just a glimpse of the near future. I know my children and I will be just fine while Jonathan is away, we will rise to the ocasion and eat lots of chocolate.

I told Isaac that daddy's was going out tonight with the guys , he asked if he could go, and when I said no he simply fell apart in hysteria. He thought for sure I was lying to him and daddy was leaving for good. He broke my heart, he was so devastated. Jonathan came to the rescue and talked Isaac through it all and brought him back to sanity.

Ugh this is hard. I know we chose this, and we knew what we were getting into, but it is still a tough thing. We are joining into a great brotherhood so to speak. I'm not sure how I feel about it all.

anticipation

So, Jonathan recieved the much dreaded "call" today! He will be headed off to "boot camp" On May 5th, just under two weeks away. This has been a long long process of prayer and decision, for 2 years now. He officially enlisted this past november, and they just now had an opening for him to go to basic.

Let's just say I have had ample time to ponder this whole thing, and yet, I feel completely unprepared! I keep telling myself it is only 8 weeks! Of course I think this would not be soo trying if I knew for sure he would be safe and happy where he was, but no. I mean, who likes boot camp? Well if you know Jonathan, you know he will be just fine. He is an extremely adventurous person with a strong desire to serve and be a apart of something.

Hello, what about me and the kiddos?? I honestly have not been without Jonathan's listening ear and loving relationship for 9 years!! Seriously, we may have been apart at the most a week at a time, and even then we talked on the phone constantly. This will be a whole new world. He will call for just a few mins only on sundays, arg.

Well, this is the life we have signed up for. This is not the only time he will be leaving us to go to some far away place for a few months. I have to say, though I am feeling a little uneasy and sad to have him gone, I am filled with the Lord's peace in my life. I know he has equiped me to be a strong woman. He has given me an awesome support system!

Stay alert people..I feel a slew of blogs to come! That is if you.. umm.. even care;)

What am I doing with all these kids??

This morning was an adventure, to say the least. It started with getting all the kiddos ready to go to an appt at 945 this am. I even MADE breakfast. I looked outside and thought " hmm it is raining pretty hard" So, I changed all the kids shoes to rain boots, and got the baby an extra blanket, and we were off.

On our trip to the appt and to grocery shop at just one store...I literally lost my mind in aisle 3 or was it 4? What makes me think this is going to go smoothly, ever! We lost three shoes in misc puddles, my pants were soaked up to my knees, shoes soaked, baby crying..." mommy can we get toys? mommy i want cookies! How about some new movies?? HUSH!!!! When we returned home I left the kids in the car, so I could carry all bags in quickly. Well, I grabbed four bags and on the fifth it tore on the seat in the car and dumped it's contents all over the sopping wet sidewalk! Now, I am grabbing at misc objects from my bag, with four screaming kids in the open car, rain pouring all over me. I'm slipping and sliding all over the sidewalk and up the steps to the porch! Do you think anyone was watching? I get it all in and get the big kids out and park the car around back. On my way into the house with the baby I realize she has water dripping all over her little face! The blanket covering her obviously had long lost it's water retaining abilities,Ugh!

Can you beleive I forgot to buy Sugar?

opinions

Lord help me to love people through their lives, rather than trying to fix their problems all the time. It is not our job to solve all our friends and family's struggles and problems. Although we are called to love them and support them thru it all.

I know that whenever I have met struggle and people tell me they have the answer, that their way will fix everything, it made me want to scream. There are no easy fixes. Life hurts sometimes. Things are not always what they seem. We need support, love and a shoulder to cry on, a prayer couldn't hurt either.

Lets keep our opinions to ourselves. Enough said.

unexpected blessings

You know, it can truly take a long time to realize something was a blessing and not a curse. So many things have occured in my life that I simply passed off as injury, to later look back and notice a tremendous blessing in it's place. Our failures are often laced with progress.

Jonathan and I, over the course of the past few years, have lost jobs, unexpected pregnancies, lost pregnancies, homelessness( now we had shelter, and we were cared for, very well i might add;), collections, bill collectors at our door, neg money in the account, no funds for neccesaties ie food, milk, diapers, gas. I can remember a night when I got done work and there wasn't a drop of gas in my car. I HAD to get gas to drive the ten miles home. I pulled up to the pump tried my card just praying we had just a few dollars. We did not! We had neg $33. I sat in my car and cried, I couldn't bare to call jonathan and let him know the situation. I was to prideful to stop at my parents, who lived just min away. I started the car up and prayed the entire way home. It seemed as if everything we did turned to ash. No matter how hard we tried, we could not pull ourselves up out of the gutters. We felt alone, scared, torn, unloved, betrayed, bitter, but we pressed on.

The other day I was filled with praise in my heart. I stopped for gas, and I filled the tank without even thinking about it. I stopped, tears filled my eyes, I was struck with blessing! My children had new shoes on, I had a full tank of gas, roof over my head, a happy husband, milk in the fridge that I purchased, a paid off car, no debt. How could all this have happened and I barely noticed?! Our prayers have been answered!! Infact they were answered a long time ago, they just weren't fufilled. Sometimes we don't notice the blessing a particular circumtance has on our lives until much later. The things I see as blessing now, are far more numorous than before.

My nephew, oh how love you.

Today at the park I experienced first hand the ignorance of parents, as I was with my sister and my sweet nephew. It was a gorgeous day, the kids were enjoying eachother and the park. Now, there was a little boy about two years or more older than JJ and he befriended malachi my other nephew..jj seemed to be a bit bothered by this new boy. who he did not know, being in the mix. first he ignored him..then came a shove, then another shove, then a hit over the head with a stick, and again a bite on the shoulder. My sister tried to discipline him, and what no,t the other child was mean and nasty, his mother got angrier and angrier with each encounter. Until we finally left the park. On our way out I overheard the little boy telling his mom he would not say good bye to JJ because JJ was stupid and mean..He obviously did not understand the dynamics of autism at 6 yrs old..His mother replied with.."you don't have to if you don't want to..he is a mean boy" I was seething on the inside, just torn up for JJ..I glared at her in such a way I am sure she understood.

What do you do? How do you explain? should you have to explain? Why are parents so ignorant even these days? I didn't realize how upset I was until the drive home, when i cried and cried for him and my sister. How do you watch your baby be rejected and misunderstood? He is the sweetest thing..He does things that are not "sweet" but he is extremely tender hearted! I want my children to be tolerant and loving of people and other children..how do I instill these values? I try very hard to explain these things to my children. I'm sorry, but frankly I am a bit angry.The injustice! I'm sure JJ will be fine, he will be strong, he will be what he is meant to be, and i do not need to defend him..but i will, I will protect him..he is like a son to me..so watch out.

My day.

I am going to give you a quick run down of my day to get to the point, so bare with me here.

I woke up ecstatic that my hubs gave the three children cereal on his way out the door. On the other hand, I had to clean up three sloppy places on the table, milk and cheerios EVERYWHERE. Andrew was still starving of course, the kid is an endless pit, got him some more. ate a few bites of cereal myself. cleaned up again, headed upstairs to wake baby, gave baby a bath. came back down dressed three other kids ( I have long given up on appropriate attire. sure honey, dress shoes, sweatpants and a rain coat..perfect!). tidied up the box of diapers drew pulled out all over the floor, fed the baby, while rubbing drew head. Kids in coats and shoes, baby in carrier..check! peaked in bathroom mirror to see if i look remotely presentable..Holy cow.. drew had gotten into the toilet and there was pee pee water all OVER the bathroom..ugh!! spent 15 min cleannig and disinfecting..both the potty room and the children's hands. Ok, out the door we go. First stop grocery store for infant tylenol, as the baby was getting her first round of vaccines today. ended up buying chocolate, granola bars, oatmeal cookies..ect. back to the car to realize I had left the diaper bag at home..arged! Drove back home, ran up to the door to find it locked..back to the car kids crying and apparently covered in chocolate..don't ask. got into the house grabbed bag, it had no diapers..got diapers..off to the doctors. Called bon on my way to pray for me cuz I was a bit, umm.. shall we say.. losing "it"! Arrive to find andrew had no shoes and socks on and he had thrown them about the vehicle spent five to ten searching..lets face it i was seething a bit. Wiped faces and hands and we walked in holding hands. We entered the office to be greeted by this monster of a mother!! The minute she opened her mouth I thought I was either going to cry or strangle her to death! This is how it went...woman "oh my, they are all yours? why did you have them so close together? are you crazy? you must be out of your mind? Did you plan this? You must be nuts? do you have help? how old are they? me "blank stare" woman " you don't even have words do you? my mind was going a mile a minute.. of course the kids drive me crazy, but they are mine and love them!!! How dare she, how dare she!!!

All this to say, I asked God to bring me to a place of exhibiting the fruits of the spirit to all I encounter, that I would be filled with his love and mercy In all my interactions. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

We have officially paid off all our debt this month!!!! It has taken us three years of intense commitment, feeling failure lurking at every corner. We did it!!!! 30k of medical/credit/auto debt gone..whoo hoo! Oh, the relief I feel is unexplainable.

Props to my Bon

I would like to give props to my husband. You know I fell in love with Jonathan for many reasons, but one reason in particular stands out. The man "gets" me! He is practically the only person in my life who can read my emotions accurately. I feel as though my whole life I have been bombarded by everyone telling me I looked angry, mad, rebellious, hard ect. Jonathan sees through my exterior, or perhaps he is simply oblivious?

I just get so frustrated when I am misunderstood all the time! What am I doing wrong? Am I not excitable enough? Am I truly cold? What is it that makes me seem so unapproachable? Any thoughts? any pointers?

Too often I struggle with feelings of selfishness, and self centeredness. I feel that life is unjust, that I am overworked and under appreciated. I go through my day cooking, cleaning, feeding..ect. I hear these whispers of regret of my situation. There are moments when I become consumed with bitterness and anger, which leads to a thick cloud of depression resting on my head. I begin to believe the lies that life should be more about me, and my needs. When this happens I get short with my children, I express less and less love in my actions and more and more "me." After a short time in this "poor me" mode, I begin to feel even worse, frustrated with my bad attitude.

Eventually, I will embrace my "role." It's the love of Jesus that brings me through. He shows me my place. When I feel His love , I feel renewed. I don't need validation for what I do, when I feel my Lord's love running through. The enemy wants to keep me down, but the Father lifts me up. caring for my husband and children is beautiful! I am building so much more here. I am investing in higher places. A life all about me would be boring and mondane. I think no matter your situation, the enemy will try to make you think you have it the worst, bring you down, tear you apart in your thoughts. Your mind is a powerful battle ground! Let the pitty party float away in the streams of God's mercies and Grace!!

I'm not a bad person for feeling these things, right? I mean, it's only human to feel as a mother and wife. I think it's what I choose to do with it that really matters..

Three days down, I feel like a new person. I have gained some perspective on what my time really means to me. My time is , well, precious! My house is clean, my children are happier, I am "happy", but a little lonely. I do need some interaction with other adults, which facebook seems to be feeding. OK, honestly, facebook feeds my "nosiness." Which I feel is totally permisable, perhaps not beneficial;)

Now, to find the balance in media. I've never been one for planning, and budgeting my time well. Eh, I will find the balance.

I came across two scriptures these past few days. Well, they seemed to be haunting me. Phil 4:8 and 2 Chor 12:9.

Media fast day 3

Frankly, I am reluctant to admit this, but I have gotten more done in these past three days, than I generally get done in a whole week!! How much time do I actually spend on the internet and television?!!! That is the upside. Now, the downside is I am thinking too much! Oh the thinks we think when left to think;)

Media fast day 2

OK, yesterday was interesting to say the least! I didn't think this was going to be all too difficult, I was wrong. I realized that i seem to use the television as a filler for human relationship. Jonathan is away this week for work, bad timing for a tv fast? I also seem to think it is something to relax to, but lets be honest how much of the "boob tube" is actually relaxing??

I hardly consider myself a couch potatoe, of course now I am starting to wonder. I made dinner(which was tricky with no video for kids), fed the children, played a game, sang a thousand songs. Still only 6:15!!! OK, so we did baths, brushed teeth, dressed three kids...yep Finally 7:15! Put kids to bed. Baby up screaming, her normal 7:30 tunes. I fed Baby, bathed baby (and my self infact:), diapered and dressed Baby, dressed self ( by the way, I can do this with one arm and half asleep..of course it also looks that way:). Whew 8:00pm Now what!!? I called the hubby while rocking the munchkin and eating popcorn ( he complained it was too loud and said goodnight). Sat listening to music, feeding baby. The lack of something was making me lose whatever sanity I had left!!

I caved, arg. I put on American Idol at 9pm. Baby finally out at 9:45 turned off the tube and passed out.

Was it loneliness, boredom, perhaps addiction that drew me back to the tube? Can you get addicted to such things?

media fast day 1

What does my life look like to someone on the outside? I wonder how much of what I say and do reflects a "Christ like" walk. Do I treat others right? Am I concerned on a daily basis with things that even matter?

Each day seems to go by so fast, I'm not sure I even make a difference. I mean obviously I matter, I'm not suicidal. I am simply curious to now if my life expresses purposeful actions. Do I do things with proper intention? What can I be doing, even today, to bring forth life and love? I want my children to be driven, passionate, and full of love! Am I?

That's it! From this point on, with out fear of failure, I will try! Now, I said try, at least give it a shot. I have an uncle who always says "never count yourself out." Is it really too extreme to cut out all media sources in efforts to become more "relational". Ah that is a tough one.

OK, here it goes, this will be day 1. I will fast TV, texting, and internet other than my blog! This should be interesting. Should I make a time limit to this?? Eh lets just see how it goes.

Visions

As a teen I spent a good part of my life consumed with thoughts of my future. I attended a church where the youth group was, well, how do you say it? We were full of promise? I was told I had a bright future, full of wonders and unseen awesomeness. There would be splendor, hope, glory! Why do people express so much hype to a teen? I had visions of my own of course. I saw a family and a wonderful relationship, oh I also would have a doctorate. I was swept away by the belief that if I tried hard enough, and gave myself over to this christian ideal, that I would have all that I desired and the Lord would bless my life ever so abundantly. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the Lord deeply.

In recent contemplation I realize that nearly 12 yrs have gone by since the begining of my journey. How did I let all this time go? How many years have I spent now, just waiting? Waiting for what? I certainly got the husband and children I always dreamed of, or is it? I am aware that reevaluating my life may very well lead me down the path of insanity. I have no regrets, however I would like to improve my future.

You now what, I am frustrated that I was so deceived! Or was I just too naive?! Why did people always tell me I would do great things, be someone who makes a difference, change the world?? What gave these people the authority to make these outrageous statements? I wonder if these "people" tell everyone these things. I mean honestly, the visions of fabulousness that I was given, come on! You can't tell me they haven't happened simply because I haven't lived up to my potential, or can you.