We have officially paid off all our debt this month!!!! It has taken us three years of intense commitment, feeling failure lurking at every corner. We did it!!!! 30k of medical/credit/auto debt gone..whoo hoo! Oh, the relief I feel is unexplainable.

Props to my Bon

I would like to give props to my husband. You know I fell in love with Jonathan for many reasons, but one reason in particular stands out. The man "gets" me! He is practically the only person in my life who can read my emotions accurately. I feel as though my whole life I have been bombarded by everyone telling me I looked angry, mad, rebellious, hard ect. Jonathan sees through my exterior, or perhaps he is simply oblivious?

I just get so frustrated when I am misunderstood all the time! What am I doing wrong? Am I not excitable enough? Am I truly cold? What is it that makes me seem so unapproachable? Any thoughts? any pointers?

Too often I struggle with feelings of selfishness, and self centeredness. I feel that life is unjust, that I am overworked and under appreciated. I go through my day cooking, cleaning, feeding..ect. I hear these whispers of regret of my situation. There are moments when I become consumed with bitterness and anger, which leads to a thick cloud of depression resting on my head. I begin to believe the lies that life should be more about me, and my needs. When this happens I get short with my children, I express less and less love in my actions and more and more "me." After a short time in this "poor me" mode, I begin to feel even worse, frustrated with my bad attitude.

Eventually, I will embrace my "role." It's the love of Jesus that brings me through. He shows me my place. When I feel His love , I feel renewed. I don't need validation for what I do, when I feel my Lord's love running through. The enemy wants to keep me down, but the Father lifts me up. caring for my husband and children is beautiful! I am building so much more here. I am investing in higher places. A life all about me would be boring and mondane. I think no matter your situation, the enemy will try to make you think you have it the worst, bring you down, tear you apart in your thoughts. Your mind is a powerful battle ground! Let the pitty party float away in the streams of God's mercies and Grace!!

I'm not a bad person for feeling these things, right? I mean, it's only human to feel as a mother and wife. I think it's what I choose to do with it that really matters..

Three days down, I feel like a new person. I have gained some perspective on what my time really means to me. My time is , well, precious! My house is clean, my children are happier, I am "happy", but a little lonely. I do need some interaction with other adults, which facebook seems to be feeding. OK, honestly, facebook feeds my "nosiness." Which I feel is totally permisable, perhaps not beneficial;)

Now, to find the balance in media. I've never been one for planning, and budgeting my time well. Eh, I will find the balance.

I came across two scriptures these past few days. Well, they seemed to be haunting me. Phil 4:8 and 2 Chor 12:9.

Media fast day 3

Frankly, I am reluctant to admit this, but I have gotten more done in these past three days, than I generally get done in a whole week!! How much time do I actually spend on the internet and television?!!! That is the upside. Now, the downside is I am thinking too much! Oh the thinks we think when left to think;)

Media fast day 2

OK, yesterday was interesting to say the least! I didn't think this was going to be all too difficult, I was wrong. I realized that i seem to use the television as a filler for human relationship. Jonathan is away this week for work, bad timing for a tv fast? I also seem to think it is something to relax to, but lets be honest how much of the "boob tube" is actually relaxing??

I hardly consider myself a couch potatoe, of course now I am starting to wonder. I made dinner(which was tricky with no video for kids), fed the children, played a game, sang a thousand songs. Still only 6:15!!! OK, so we did baths, brushed teeth, dressed three kids...yep Finally 7:15! Put kids to bed. Baby up screaming, her normal 7:30 tunes. I fed Baby, bathed baby (and my self infact:), diapered and dressed Baby, dressed self ( by the way, I can do this with one arm and half asleep..of course it also looks that way:). Whew 8:00pm Now what!!? I called the hubby while rocking the munchkin and eating popcorn ( he complained it was too loud and said goodnight). Sat listening to music, feeding baby. The lack of something was making me lose whatever sanity I had left!!

I caved, arg. I put on American Idol at 9pm. Baby finally out at 9:45 turned off the tube and passed out.

Was it loneliness, boredom, perhaps addiction that drew me back to the tube? Can you get addicted to such things?

media fast day 1

What does my life look like to someone on the outside? I wonder how much of what I say and do reflects a "Christ like" walk. Do I treat others right? Am I concerned on a daily basis with things that even matter?

Each day seems to go by so fast, I'm not sure I even make a difference. I mean obviously I matter, I'm not suicidal. I am simply curious to now if my life expresses purposeful actions. Do I do things with proper intention? What can I be doing, even today, to bring forth life and love? I want my children to be driven, passionate, and full of love! Am I?

That's it! From this point on, with out fear of failure, I will try! Now, I said try, at least give it a shot. I have an uncle who always says "never count yourself out." Is it really too extreme to cut out all media sources in efforts to become more "relational". Ah that is a tough one.

OK, here it goes, this will be day 1. I will fast TV, texting, and internet other than my blog! This should be interesting. Should I make a time limit to this?? Eh lets just see how it goes.

Visions

As a teen I spent a good part of my life consumed with thoughts of my future. I attended a church where the youth group was, well, how do you say it? We were full of promise? I was told I had a bright future, full of wonders and unseen awesomeness. There would be splendor, hope, glory! Why do people express so much hype to a teen? I had visions of my own of course. I saw a family and a wonderful relationship, oh I also would have a doctorate. I was swept away by the belief that if I tried hard enough, and gave myself over to this christian ideal, that I would have all that I desired and the Lord would bless my life ever so abundantly. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the Lord deeply.

In recent contemplation I realize that nearly 12 yrs have gone by since the begining of my journey. How did I let all this time go? How many years have I spent now, just waiting? Waiting for what? I certainly got the husband and children I always dreamed of, or is it? I am aware that reevaluating my life may very well lead me down the path of insanity. I have no regrets, however I would like to improve my future.

You now what, I am frustrated that I was so deceived! Or was I just too naive?! Why did people always tell me I would do great things, be someone who makes a difference, change the world?? What gave these people the authority to make these outrageous statements? I wonder if these "people" tell everyone these things. I mean honestly, the visions of fabulousness that I was given, come on! You can't tell me they haven't happened simply because I haven't lived up to my potential, or can you.