Trust

Lets start with some history of me, shall we. Now, before I begin, incase anything I say seems as if I am upset with my parents, or feel they did me wrong, this is not true and not what I am intending here.

I was raised in a home with two siblings (I have three sibs from my Dad's first marriage, but they were much older than me, and not around much.) My mother nearly died after the birth of my brother, and was only out of the hospital setting but maybe three months when she found out she was pregnant with me. This was not a joyous occasion. Shortly after discovering me, she had a "threatened miscarriage". This lead to her being afraid to lose me and praying. She claims the Lord told her that I would be safe and gave her a vision of a barrel around her belly, protecting me. She says, God told her I would be a great joy in her life. When I was but 5wks old I began having frequent seizers(unrelated to fevers), this lead to my hospitalization. The elders prayed over me, and I've never had another seizere, so the story reads.

Growing up I was small, or Ja was big, or both. Anyhow, Jason (my brother) was put on direct orders to ALWAYS protect me. I was never aloud to go anywhere without him, ever. I was told repeatedly that if I were ever alone somewhere I could, or would, be harmed in some way. Now, I'm not complaining, Ja did a great job, and in reality I was barely ever harmed in any way. On the flip side, I have been "brain washed" to believe I am not OK alone. I feel trapped and vulnerable whenever I am alone. It is terrible to feel like you can trust no one all the time. I realize this is a deprived world we live in where there are many out to harm. On the other hand, where is the peace. How do you function on your own when your entire life you have been sheltered from the storm. I was homeschooled since 1st grade, though I loved the closeness of family, and all the life experience I got. I think I missed a large part of something, being home.

I am challenged to figure out if I truly TRUST God. I know I trust him to be my savior, I trust him with my soul. Do I trust My heavenly father with my children, my finances, my supply of food, my husband, me? Do I put more faith in the tools He uses to protect, provide, heal, than I do in the source of all the provision? I'm a firm believer in doctors/modern medicine, stable jobs, and the like, but these things are just tools of provision not he source.

I layed in my bed last night scared, warn out, and exhausted. I have been up most nights worried about an intruder, fire, some unknown catastrophe. I pray and declare the goodness of my Lord, and yet the peace passes quickly, and I am overtaken with FEAR. Why, am I struggling with this? Well, it occurred to me that 1) I have never had to fend for myself. 2) I don't really TRUST. I was literally trembling last night, and equally angry that I would allow myself to be so afraid. I was still for a moment and out of nowhere I heard a voice "Rebekah, what would make you feel safe? Bars on the windows? new locks on the doors? A dog? a husband? a light? WHAT WILL DO IT FOR YOU?? I sat there...then again.."if you stay awake all night shaking , and someone comes in, would you beable to take him on and save your family? if you stay up scared, will it make it not happen? if you call 911, will they save you fast enough? Bekah, do you trust me to protect you? Go to sleep, this is over, I am here, and you know it!!" Wow, I passed out! That was it! With those words I knew The Lord was with me, and no lock, or dog, or man can save me, or protect me like he can.

The Lord has been protecting me my whole life. He has held me in the shelter of his wing. I have not endured many things other woman have. My life has been challenged on a few occasions just to be saved. Perhaps its a coincidence, but I don't think so. I struggle all the time with Faith vs practical, and than the Lord shows up.

When I was a teen I hid my depression, I was frightningly close to suicide, the Lord met with me, and saved me. I can not fully explain these things, but I have felt and heard them on my own.

What do you trust more, the tool of provision or the source??

The bare minimum

A few weeks ago I traveled halfway across country with a van load of clothes and kids. We survived the trip, and actually enjoyed it! We had a few rough days, but all in all we felt tremendously blessed to be together. Well, we arrived to our new home around 6pm. We pulled into what looked like an abandoned apartment complex, it's not, it's just kinda run down. I immediately feared the nights to come, alone without my hubby in this deprived place. We met up with D'Wayne (Landlord) in the parking lot, he was clothed in a red flannel, blue jeans, and cowboy boots. D' Wayne led the way to the house, I couldn't help but notice the skinny, greasy ponytail, tucked up into his ragged hat (ewe). The house was filled with musty old furniture that Mr D'wayne was so kind to bring in for us. Isaac's asthma was not a fan of the furnishings, Jonathan had a big job that night loading all of it into a spare bedroom, this room is not used, and is forbidden.

So, we started with a three bedroom house, and now are down to a one bedroom house with a playroom. That first night in this house, in a new town, and state, I felt so far away from home. I have been much further from home, but not for 3mos, or with kids. Jonathan asked me as we lay there freezing, " Are you gonna make it? Or should I just call my parents now?" I laughed and said "lets just wait till morning."

Well, it's been 22 days, and I am still here. I am determined to survive, and thrive. As a mom of four there are things that you "need" daily. IE; washer/ dryer, garbage disposal, dishwasher, microwave, beds, dressers, sofas, cable TV. Well, I am learning to live without such things. We do have beds, air beds. We also have a TV bon found, it's 15" and plays DVDs thru our portable DVD set, we got for the car on Christmas! We also have blow up sofas, well sofa, one is busted already;)

Life without, is just fine. I share a room with my kids, and I am fine. I do all the dishes by hand, I am fine, I lug all the kids and laundry to the laundromat, 20mins away 2x a week, I am fine. I am no worse for ware, I am simply busy. I have to argue the point that I may not be much busier without all these things than I am with them.

We are more resilient than we know. I am convinced that a life without struggle, or stretching, is depleted in worth. I feel blessed to be spending this time with my husband, and children. I am not working while I am away and it is AWESOME. Now, clearly being a mom and wife is work enough. I have a constant struggle with believing my Lord will protect me here on my own. I struggle every night to fall asleep in the unsettling silence. I will not allow fear to rule me. It's easier said than done, but I am determined to be bigger than my fears. This may all seem so silly to some, but this is a real battle for me. I am away from my support system, friends, family, coworkers. I am in a new place where people speak and act differently. Of course, there is the whole new Air force life thing I am not so keen on yet.

A few yrs ago I felt that I was to embrace adventure, allow, and encourage Jonathan to follow his dreams. Every day, and mercies, always new!