Lets start with some history of me, shall we. Now, before I begin, incase anything I say seems as if I am upset with my parents, or feel they did me wrong, this is not true and not what I am intending here.
I was raised in a home with two siblings (I have three sibs from my Dad's first marriage, but they were much older than me, and not around much.) My mother nearly died after the birth of my brother, and was only out of the hospital setting but maybe three months when she found out she was pregnant with me. This was not a joyous occasion. Shortly after discovering me, she had a "threatened miscarriage". This lead to her being afraid to lose me and praying. She claims the Lord told her that I would be safe and gave her a vision of a barrel around her belly, protecting me. She says, God told her I would be a great joy in her life. When I was but 5wks old I began having frequent seizers(unrelated to fevers), this lead to my hospitalization. The elders prayed over me, and I've never had another seizere, so the story reads.
Growing up I was small, or Ja was big, or both. Anyhow, Jason (my brother) was put on direct orders to ALWAYS protect me. I was never aloud to go anywhere without him, ever. I was told repeatedly that if I were ever alone somewhere I could, or would, be harmed in some way. Now, I'm not complaining, Ja did a great job, and in reality I was barely ever harmed in any way. On the flip side, I have been "brain washed" to believe I am not OK alone. I feel trapped and vulnerable whenever I am alone. It is terrible to feel like you can trust no one all the time. I realize this is a deprived world we live in where there are many out to harm. On the other hand, where is the peace. How do you function on your own when your entire life you have been sheltered from the storm. I was homeschooled since 1st grade, though I loved the closeness of family, and all the life experience I got. I think I missed a large part of something, being home.
I am challenged to figure out if I truly TRUST God. I know I trust him to be my savior, I trust him with my soul. Do I trust My heavenly father with my children, my finances, my supply of food, my husband, me? Do I put more faith in the tools He uses to protect, provide, heal, than I do in the source of all the provision? I'm a firm believer in doctors/modern medicine, stable jobs, and the like, but these things are just tools of provision not he source.
I layed in my bed last night scared, warn out, and exhausted. I have been up most nights worried about an intruder, fire, some unknown catastrophe. I pray and declare the goodness of my Lord, and yet the peace passes quickly, and I am overtaken with FEAR. Why, am I struggling with this? Well, it occurred to me that 1) I have never had to fend for myself. 2) I don't really TRUST. I was literally trembling last night, and equally angry that I would allow myself to be so afraid. I was still for a moment and out of nowhere I heard a voice "Rebekah, what would make you feel safe? Bars on the windows? new locks on the doors? A dog? a husband? a light? WHAT WILL DO IT FOR YOU?? I sat there...then again.."if you stay awake all night shaking , and someone comes in, would you beable to take him on and save your family? if you stay up scared, will it make it not happen? if you call 911, will they save you fast enough? Bekah, do you trust me to protect you? Go to sleep, this is over, I am here, and you know it!!" Wow, I passed out! That was it! With those words I knew The Lord was with me, and no lock, or dog, or man can save me, or protect me like he can.
The Lord has been protecting me my whole life. He has held me in the shelter of his wing. I have not endured many things other woman have. My life has been challenged on a few occasions just to be saved. Perhaps its a coincidence, but I don't think so. I struggle all the time with Faith vs practical, and than the Lord shows up.
When I was a teen I hid my depression, I was frightningly close to suicide, the Lord met with me, and saved me. I can not fully explain these things, but I have felt and heard them on my own.
What do you trust more, the tool of provision or the source??
When I was young I used to sleep under a desk because I was afraid. When I was first married i would sit by the window crying if Uncle Mark was even five minutes late. Fear is a terrible, strangling feeling. It was not caused from being sheltered, I just struggling with the truth that things happen in life that are completely out of my control. People die, get sick, and experience various traumas. The Lord has brought me through many losses and diseases, he has calmed my fears and helped me trust in his love. His love for me casts out fear. He walks beside me and whispers in my ear that all things are working together for my good because what seems random isn't. He loves us Bekah, and everything that happens in our lives is filtered through His love.
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