Aha ha ha. Here I am, lacking strength to go on. I'm Feeling tired and overworked. I pick up my bible and flip through. Then grab a journal and glare at the blank pages. I stumbled accross some old entries, I had written a few years ago. Ha. There are pages of distress and pages of praise and happiness. Life has a way of circling. In this I find hope. I was once lost and then found, it can happen again.
Journal Entry Oct 28th 2008
"We went to a beautiful wedding on saturday. I was so sad all day, becuase I was missing the wedding of my life long friend Katie. Instead we went to a friend of Jonathan's wedding.
I am begining to feel like I have lost a lot of myself. I always swore that it would never happen to me. I would always stay true to myself. This, I have learned, is impossible when you are a mommy and wife.
Why didn't anyone prepare me? Is it even possible to prepare for such things? My mom always said being married and having kids is the most difficult and rewarding job in the world. I guess you always think you are invincible, and I only heard the rewarding part;)
Our weekends are completely manipulated by sports; where to watch, with whom, and when. The children and I are just along for the ride, whether we like it or not! I can only go out if I organize babysitting, and even then I feel tremendously guilty, and consumed with when I can get home. Most times I have atleast one child with me, even if Jonathan is home. Jonathan can leave the house on a whim, taking no children, at his leisure!
I do not want to be bitter! This is what I signed up for. Perhaps this was the very fine print on the back of the page, I still endorsed. When I become this overwhelmed and unappreciative, I try to remind myself of what I am thankful for.
1. My children Isaac, Ellie, and Andrew.
2. Jonathan
3. Jesus Christ
4. my parents and siblings.
5. My in laws
6. my friends and church family
7. A roof over our head and food in our stomaches.
I'm already feeling more grateful! "
Journal entry Nov 25 2008
" Woke up at 7 am Jonathan handed me Andrew, now 7months old. Andrew proceeded to kiss and sqeeze my face off! Ellie was screaming " I want chocolate milk!" Isaac playing in his underwear, in the living room. Jonathan pressed his lips to my forhead, and he was off to work with a friend. My heart was PLEASED that Jonathan was going to work today, long awaited work! So I hopped out of bed to start my day. There was breakfast to be made, diapers and clothes to be changed, and a baby to nurse. No time like the present!"
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Mommy Frustrations
I don't know if it is my illness or just a part of life. Does every mother struggle immensly with getting through each day. Do you all feel like most days are a begining to end struggle, and battle of the wills? Is it just me who feels I am consistantly striving in vain. I find myself daily trying to tread water and keep my head above water. I love my children more than anything on this earth, but I am overwhelmed on a regular basis. I commit daily to try harder to organize and prioritize too make life a bit simpler, it's not working.
This is the single most difficult job EVER. I am consumed with discipline, cleaning, folding, organizing, loving, caring, talking, answering, explaining, encouraging, punishing, feeding, shopping, transporting, referreeing, serving, serving, serving. I can do nothing alone, nothing. I must share my food, time, energy, lap, bathroom breaks, drinks, bed, personal space, if they could suck the breathe out of my lungs they would.
Do we all spend all day wondering if we are ruining our children for life. Are you all concerned about them spiritually, physically, mentally. Am I the only one obsessed with their social behavior and manners. Am I alone in fearing for their hearts, minds, souls, bodies? I keep finding myself on the verge of giving up, as if that is an option. I have always needed some space to myself to recenter myself and get back on track, daily. Now that this doesn't seem to be an option, I find myself frustrated and angry. I despise anger. It's depressing be used so much and feeling so empty. Am I a failure for getting so overwhelmed?
I have completed my first year as a stay at home mom. At first I was happy to finally get to things around my house, love on my kids, and be the one around to handle any situation. Now I feel I have lost myself in service to my family. Maybe this isn't so bad, if I can learn to adjust my perpective of what "me" is. Is there any higher calling than to serve others? It certainly is NOT a desired job. No one wants to be lost in service with no reward. No one notices all the times I clean up poo or scrub the toilet, sink, floors..and then have it ruined with in minutes, and do it over. No one cares about how many times I have to correct, explain, and encourage my children to do the right thing, obey their parents and love there brother as themselves. However, everyone cares and judges you as you walk the streets and stores. They are all watching to see how you treat your kids and how they act with others. Everyone is a critic. Trust me, what you see is not always what it seems!
Honestly, I don't care if what I have said here comes across as something a mother should never say. Life is tough, and I do not have what it takes to do this job. I don't. I do however know who does. I have to daily, hourly, minute by minute surrender my frustration, expectations, fears, failures, wants, desires to the Lord. The only one who gives me the strength to continue on in love, and hope. Without Jesus I am just an angry, selfish, self seeking, stubborn, lazy, unforgiving woman. I am all these things, but through Christ's sacrifice I am new. Becuase of Him, I have life. Due to Jesus I have life abundantly. I cry out to him, I worship him in my home, out loud with shouts of praise and prayer, and the dynamic changes from me and my pain to Him and his glory!
This is the single most difficult job EVER. I am consumed with discipline, cleaning, folding, organizing, loving, caring, talking, answering, explaining, encouraging, punishing, feeding, shopping, transporting, referreeing, serving, serving, serving. I can do nothing alone, nothing. I must share my food, time, energy, lap, bathroom breaks, drinks, bed, personal space, if they could suck the breathe out of my lungs they would.
Do we all spend all day wondering if we are ruining our children for life. Are you all concerned about them spiritually, physically, mentally. Am I the only one obsessed with their social behavior and manners. Am I alone in fearing for their hearts, minds, souls, bodies? I keep finding myself on the verge of giving up, as if that is an option. I have always needed some space to myself to recenter myself and get back on track, daily. Now that this doesn't seem to be an option, I find myself frustrated and angry. I despise anger. It's depressing be used so much and feeling so empty. Am I a failure for getting so overwhelmed?
I have completed my first year as a stay at home mom. At first I was happy to finally get to things around my house, love on my kids, and be the one around to handle any situation. Now I feel I have lost myself in service to my family. Maybe this isn't so bad, if I can learn to adjust my perpective of what "me" is. Is there any higher calling than to serve others? It certainly is NOT a desired job. No one wants to be lost in service with no reward. No one notices all the times I clean up poo or scrub the toilet, sink, floors..and then have it ruined with in minutes, and do it over. No one cares about how many times I have to correct, explain, and encourage my children to do the right thing, obey their parents and love there brother as themselves. However, everyone cares and judges you as you walk the streets and stores. They are all watching to see how you treat your kids and how they act with others. Everyone is a critic. Trust me, what you see is not always what it seems!
Honestly, I don't care if what I have said here comes across as something a mother should never say. Life is tough, and I do not have what it takes to do this job. I don't. I do however know who does. I have to daily, hourly, minute by minute surrender my frustration, expectations, fears, failures, wants, desires to the Lord. The only one who gives me the strength to continue on in love, and hope. Without Jesus I am just an angry, selfish, self seeking, stubborn, lazy, unforgiving woman. I am all these things, but through Christ's sacrifice I am new. Becuase of Him, I have life. Due to Jesus I have life abundantly. I cry out to him, I worship him in my home, out loud with shouts of praise and prayer, and the dynamic changes from me and my pain to Him and his glory!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)