I don't know if it is my illness or just a part of life. Does every mother struggle immensly with getting through each day. Do you all feel like most days are a begining to end struggle, and battle of the wills? Is it just me who feels I am consistantly striving in vain. I find myself daily trying to tread water and keep my head above water. I love my children more than anything on this earth, but I am overwhelmed on a regular basis. I commit daily to try harder to organize and prioritize too make life a bit simpler, it's not working.
This is the single most difficult job EVER. I am consumed with discipline, cleaning, folding, organizing, loving, caring, talking, answering, explaining, encouraging, punishing, feeding, shopping, transporting, referreeing, serving, serving, serving. I can do nothing alone, nothing. I must share my food, time, energy, lap, bathroom breaks, drinks, bed, personal space, if they could suck the breathe out of my lungs they would.
Do we all spend all day wondering if we are ruining our children for life. Are you all concerned about them spiritually, physically, mentally. Am I the only one obsessed with their social behavior and manners. Am I alone in fearing for their hearts, minds, souls, bodies? I keep finding myself on the verge of giving up, as if that is an option. I have always needed some space to myself to recenter myself and get back on track, daily. Now that this doesn't seem to be an option, I find myself frustrated and angry. I despise anger. It's depressing be used so much and feeling so empty. Am I a failure for getting so overwhelmed?
I have completed my first year as a stay at home mom. At first I was happy to finally get to things around my house, love on my kids, and be the one around to handle any situation. Now I feel I have lost myself in service to my family. Maybe this isn't so bad, if I can learn to adjust my perpective of what "me" is. Is there any higher calling than to serve others? It certainly is NOT a desired job. No one wants to be lost in service with no reward. No one notices all the times I clean up poo or scrub the toilet, sink, floors..and then have it ruined with in minutes, and do it over. No one cares about how many times I have to correct, explain, and encourage my children to do the right thing, obey their parents and love there brother as themselves. However, everyone cares and judges you as you walk the streets and stores. They are all watching to see how you treat your kids and how they act with others. Everyone is a critic. Trust me, what you see is not always what it seems!
Honestly, I don't care if what I have said here comes across as something a mother should never say. Life is tough, and I do not have what it takes to do this job. I don't. I do however know who does. I have to daily, hourly, minute by minute surrender my frustration, expectations, fears, failures, wants, desires to the Lord. The only one who gives me the strength to continue on in love, and hope. Without Jesus I am just an angry, selfish, self seeking, stubborn, lazy, unforgiving woman. I am all these things, but through Christ's sacrifice I am new. Becuase of Him, I have life. Due to Jesus I have life abundantly. I cry out to him, I worship him in my home, out loud with shouts of praise and prayer, and the dynamic changes from me and my pain to Him and his glory!
Hi Rebekah. Oh you said it so well. I am right there with you. I am struggling immencely with this right now. Quesitoning myself, who am I. Because all I have and breath for is a moment someone else needs me. Something is calling my attention. This needs to be cleaned, this needs to be done. I understand completly. And instead of enjoying my time with my children I find myself worrying about what needs to be done next. I have become so uptight I might snap at any moment. Im exhausted and so tired of giving myself to everyone with no recognition or even a thank you. But thats what life as a mother/wife is right? There are brighter days but most of them just seem dreary. Like you are a robot making your way through you daily routine. At least that is how I feel. I pray everyday about this but I have yet to find my sunshine. Wow, I sound so depressive. and my life isnt all that bad. But Im struggling right along with you. Leah
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, Leah. It's just so stinkin hard! i just don't know how I can love four poeple so much and still feel so overwhelmed, but I do. I know it is normal, but I feel like other moms look less over-worked..ha ha ha. We do need to slow down and enjoy some time every day with our beautiful babies. I agree with sherry below, atleast I want to. It's funny, cuz I am so worn out, but when I look at pics of my kids from even a year ago, I miss that stage. Life moves quikly and we are along for the ride. we need to chill out and look up. I too am so uptight, I have been snapping left and right, and what good am I to anyone when I am like this?
DeleteLadies, I hope you find what I am about to say encouraging. Now I was never in your position Bekah with four kids. i had just one and then took care of a family member's twins I for awhile. but the struggles are the same,yours is just compounded. I wondered if i was doing things right. At times I was angry because it seemed to be a thankless job and although you would do anything for your kids and not expect a word of thanks, the day in day out grind wears on even the best of us. One of my dreams was to be a wife and mother, but I also had dreams that were just for me and had days when I wondered if all i would ever do was wipe snotty noses and only be Steven's mom and Steve's wife. Surely I had more talent that "just" being a mom. And yet i fully understand that being a mom is the hardest job onthis planet point blank and period! But I want to encourage you two because here today I am helping my son pack to move to Sweden. He is a college graduate, a husband of two weeks, a fireman, a teacher. But more importantly he is a man of God. A man of integrity, an honest man, a man that doesn't feel entitled but works hard for what he has. He stands in truth even when others are opposed. He is an exceptional human being. He is my son and he got this way because of God, his father and I. Children do not just grow up to be incredible human beings. They grow up believing what you as a mom tell them they will and can be. So hang in there because the rewards when they are grown is indescribable. To know that my love, guidance, discipline, meals, chauffering to practices, cleaning only to have the house detroyed fifteen minutes later, and yes, they even learn from our meltdowns if we take the time to be honest with them about it. Well, no job or dream I had/have could come remotely close to the fulfillment I have when I see my baby boy on his journey of manhood. hope that helps. But all of that does not mean you don't need to vent. just trying to say it's worth is and one day they will look into your eyes and thank you for the way you reared them. Steven is 24 and he has thanked both of us.:-)
ReplyDeleteThank you Sherry. It really helps to hear from someone who has made it through these hurdles. i keep repeating the line from Finding Nemo "keep on swimming, keep on swimming"
Deletewow! well said . . . to add yet another task to your already insurmountable list, you should be a writer! I think that many would benefit, and be comforted, as you work thru the many challenges of raising children in a loving and spiritual way. God Bless you - I wish I lived next door so I could help, but I am praying . . . I love you and Bon and those wonderful children more than tongue can tell :-)
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