Circle of life.

Aha ha ha. Here I am, lacking strength to go on.  I'm Feeling tired and overworked. I pick up my bible and flip through. Then grab a  journal and glare at the blank pages. I stumbled accross some old entries, I had written a few years ago. Ha. There are pages of distress and pages of praise and happiness. Life has a way of circling. In this I find hope. I was once lost and then found, it can happen again.
Journal Entry Oct 28th 2008
"We went to a beautiful wedding on saturday. I was so sad all day, becuase I was missing the wedding of my life long friend Katie. Instead we went to a friend of Jonathan's wedding.

I am begining to feel like I have lost a lot of myself. I always swore that it would never happen to me. I would always stay true to myself. This, I have learned, is impossible when you are a mommy and wife.

Why didn't anyone prepare me? Is it even possible to prepare for such things? My mom always said  being married and having kids is the most difficult  and rewarding job in the world. I guess you always think you are invincible, and I only heard the rewarding part;)

Our weekends are completely manipulated by sports; where to watch, with whom, and when. The children and I are just along for the ride, whether we like it or not! I can only go out if I organize babysitting, and even then I feel tremendously guilty, and consumed with when I can get home. Most times I have atleast one child with me, even if Jonathan is home. Jonathan can leave the house on a whim, taking no children, at his leisure!

I do not want to be bitter! This is what I signed up for. Perhaps this was the very fine print on the back of the page, I still endorsed. When I become this overwhelmed and unappreciative, I try to remind myself of what I am thankful for.
1. My children Isaac, Ellie, and Andrew.
2. Jonathan
3. Jesus Christ
4. my parents and siblings.
5. My in laws
6. my friends and church family
7. A  roof over our head and food in our stomaches.
I'm already feeling more grateful! "
 
 Journal entry Nov 25 2008
" Woke up at 7 am Jonathan handed me Andrew, now 7months old. Andrew proceeded to kiss and sqeeze my face off! Ellie was screaming " I want chocolate milk!" Isaac playing in his underwear, in the living room. Jonathan pressed his lips to my forhead, and he was off to work with a friend. My heart was PLEASED that Jonathan was going to work today, long awaited work! So I hopped out of bed to start my day. There was breakfast to be made, diapers and clothes to be changed, and a baby to nurse. No time like the present!"