reflection

There was that first pregnancy, completely unexpected, two short weeks after two young people were married. It ended quickly, just as we were adjusting to the idea, the baby was gone. After a week of tears and wild emotions, we decided to let nature take its coarse. That following month, we were delighted to find out, we were expecting again. So young, so naïve! Little did we know that the battle was on. From that day forward it was the constant struggle to be the best parent, definitely not the worst parent ever! Every decision felt overwhelming. If the decision came easily it was blasted by other parents, and at every corner! We all know those early weeks filled with; sleep deprivation, milking, weeping, joyful adoration, starvation, and confusion. Some of us have more expectations placed on us than others but lets just face it, its a rude awakening! We went against the stream on a few things. We refused to let baby sleep with us, we had him sleeping through the night by 6 weeks in his own bed. We over bathed him, we let him cry it out, fed him food at 3 months, took him everywhere, got angry at people who tried to touch him, stopped BF at 8 mos so I could go on BC only for it to not work! The list goes on. I wonder if he even remembers any of that nonsense now that he is 8yrs? We were onto parents of two, and three, and then four. Before we knew it, we had a very full quiver:) There was chaos, frustration, joys, love, embraces, disciplinary actions, loss of control! The loss of all control over these little boogers is my biggest memory. I lost it one day. Ok, more than one day. I wanted so badly to maintain the same amount of "control" I had with the first. This was impossible, and I would beg to argue unnecessary, at this point. By the fourth baby, she was sleeping on me all the time, her bed looked like the poster child for SIDS, she laid on the bare floor, drank from un-sanitized nipples, bathed in the sink, we fed her everything, strangers touched her and I didn't jump down their throats, she had 24/7 entertainment and overstimulation from 3 siblings. This baby was free to live, those expectations of the first or second child were far gone. Heck, she was a free bird along for the ride. I would beat myself up over all the nonsense I put both myself, spouse, and children through those first few years, but that would defeat my point. I'm one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason. I don't see the mishaps and misbeliefs as mistakes, but opportunities to shape us. We weren't wrong for obsessing, simply a time for lessons. I laugh now at my new mommy self, one day I will laugh at my elementary mommy self. I don't feel bad for her, she was brave and strong, though a bit misguided;) There is absolutely no possible way to describe to one in pre-parenthood what it will be like. The best description I have ever heard is that it is like having your heart walking outside your body everyday. Beyond the obvious physical strains, the emotional and mental is the hardest. Every stage of child rearing feels like the most important. As a new stage plops in your lap, you think "ugh I can't worry about "insert previous concerns", I have bigger fish to fry!" All I can do is my best, for it's what I have.  I believe my children were given to me, not as gifts, but as most valuable treasures. As they were given to me, I was also given to them. We are a team. Team Kane. We will feel triumph and failure, sickness and health, tears and laughter. Relationship before rights. Always reminding ourselves that we are on the same team, not fighting against, but for each other. No man/woman reaches their destiny on their own. Value those both in your household and outside. I'm not an island, I'm a mommy. I need mentors, confidants, parents, fellow parents, and single friends. I need to trust my instincts, but be willing to except help.