I seem to have a daily battle with integrity. From as far back as I can remember I have had a deep desire to do what is right. Rules have been something I feel comfort in keeping. Sure, as a teen I broke a few rules and kind of enjoyed it. Let me share, I can count on one hand how many times I broke the "rules" as a teen, I kid you not. I take great pleasure in being trustworthy and honest. When I disappoint someone I am in turmoil until the issue is corrected. I am faithful to relationships to a fault. This integrity has hurt me, as it places a firm line between what is right and grace.
As a kid I had only a few friends. I was loving and happy, but totally intense and obedient. Then the teen years came and I maintained even fewer friends. It didn't help that I was raised in a super conservative home with many rules and guidelines. My teen years were like everyone elses confusing, and I was lost. Most teens around me were dating, lying, drinking, smoking, drug using, R rated movie watching. I ,on the other hand, felt like a complete outsider. I didn't care that I didn't fit in with them, I cared that there didn't seem to be anyone like me. I had no trouble at all refusing the "bad" things. No trouble losing friends over silly things like cigarettes. I felt safe within the bounds of my parents and church leaders rules. Slowly things began to change as I fell in love with a boy. This boy messed up everything I had ever worked for! He swept me off my feet and showed me how to enjoy life. He was honest, and brutally so. Through our mistakes I learned grace, perhaps even for the first time. This boy with his dimpled smile and gentle sturdy voice, shook my world. He told me I was sweet, kind, and loving. What?! I was always hearing abrasive, condescending, and self righteous:/
This grace tasted better than rules. Don't worry, I am still a full fledge integrity junky. However, I have found grace and witnessed it's delicious fruits. I desire to be gracious to all, as my Lord has always been for me. Even gracious enough to save me, the rule police. This dilemma between grace and law has reared it's head in my life once more. I started a new job last week. Lets just say I was less than thrilled with how the facility was run. Since I had never worked in this particular setting before, I researched it until the minute before I started my first shift. I went over policies, procedures, and protocols. I was nervous I would slip up and ruin this experience for myself. From the minute I walked in the door, when the receptionist told me to "Run away" I knew something was wrong. I got a sickening feeling in my gut, but I pressed on, as I am well aware of my weakness regarding rules. That shift was the worst experience I have had in 10 yrs of nursing. I used every ounce of strength I could muster in finishing out the night, and not open my mouth to anyone. Now, I was in a serious pickle. 1.Do I go back? 2.Quit and never return? 3.Call the Director up , give them an earful and submit a written letter? You're correct, I went with option #3. I just couldn't live with myself if I did not let them know all I saw and heard and made sure they were aware of how terribly flawed their facility is. UGH! So, I spoke with the director over the phone and then sent her a very detailed 2 page word doc. of my 8hrs there.
I breathed in a breath of relief, whew. Then the next day I received a phone call from the director to the director, asking me if I would be willing to come in and meet with him in regards to my letter. No, no, no, I am not getting further involved! So, I agreed. Now what? Besides the panic at the thought that they may be upset with me, I am intrigued to see if they actually may value my unwavering honesty. Man, do I struggle with this. I DO NOT need to be in the right all the time. Things CAN be messy. As far as relationships go, I think I am making great progress in understanding grace, and having it for my friends and family. On the other hand, there is the workplace, where I am lacking in this area. Is there really any room for slack in the work force? I mean, everyone seems to abuse it, like a lot. Must I be the one to constantly be pointing out the errors? Must I KNOW all the rules? I do, I really do.
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