My time alone is coming to an end. I could not be any happier about this! On the other hand, I am extremely emotional today. I miss him like nothing else. There are no words to express what I feel. Ok,there are words, but I won't bore you with them. My anxiety is building, more anxious with each coming day. I haven't heard form him this weekend, which is seriously horible. I know I sound overly dramatic, but this is really difficult! I worry about him constantly, I can not contact him. I send him letters everday, i don't know if and when he gets them. I don't know if he is hungry, tired, hurt, sick, happy, sad, angry, in trouble, doing well. I hate this! I want this week to fly. Then my mother says "just enjoy each day, cuz it's all you know you have, you may not have tomorrow." Yeah, ok..I have been trying to "enjoy" each day, but I am worn flat out! I will probably feel better tomorrow, My Lord will renew my strength. I just feel so sad. oy...

9days<3

Letters from Bon

I finally received my letters from my Airman today!! I would have been most excited to receive just one, but I got two;) He must still love me, or just like to talk about himself.
So, here goes.

1. His obstacle course training was cut short do to inclement weather (he was not happy about that)
2. His TI told his whole group(flight/squadren?) That when he was in training he flew under the radar, did his stuff right , and never got helled at, much like "Kane" then stated that if this gave him a big head he would kick the "shit out of him" ha ha.
3. He is passing all inspections, doing very well with the PT
4. He is leading an "athiest" he is with to the Lord!
5. He misses everyone!!
6. He has been sick, a bad cough/cold combo. He coughed real bad in his TI face when reporting and was sent to medical..His Ti told him he can't afford to lose him, if they want to beat their "Brother flight."
7. He seems much higher spirts as he reaches these last few weeks!
8. He had pics taken and got excited and ordered everything he could group photos\poster\every size\video (aparently they take photos and video them the whole time)..ha ha. So, when we receive them I will post some.

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers! Keep them coming, it's not over just yet;)

17days<3

You know, this whole time my hubs has been away, I have barely seen any of our friends at all. I mean this makes perfect sense, who would want to just hang out with me and the kids? I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I don't know who I am without him. Is this a picture of what life would be like if he ceased to exhist? Ugh I don't want to think about it.

So, Isaac told me today that he wants me to leave and go live at the Air foce and he wants Daddy to come home. To which I told him Daddy will be home in just a few weeks, and that I know it is hard. He then said no, he wants me gone, away, far away, or even dead. I choked back some tears, he is only 5. You know Isaac says alot of interesting things. I'm not sure if it is completely normal. He also told me today that it would be ok if the baby died , cuz God could just give me a new one in my belly. All the while, he was kissing her face off and talking to her in a sweet loving baby voice. Of course we then had to have a long discussion on the value of human life. Also, he was playing with a latex balloon and biting it, so I asked him to stop as he could choke on it and it would get trapped in his wind pipe and he could die! He then said it would be ok if he died cuz he would finally get to see Jesus, and he would be happy up in heaven. I then said no, it isn't ok if you die, mommy would cry everyday and be very very sad if i lost you..to which he asked "why would you be upset if I am with Jesus?" OMG this kid is gonna do me in.

20days<3

This has been an emotional week for me, topped off by today. A bit of a rough morning, lots of kids crying and moody. My parents then offered to spare me some sanity, once recognizing my pending meltdown. I left the house around ten with only the little one. I went shopping, picked up my sister, and continued to shop and chat. We then had a very relaxing lunch, get this folks, at a real restuarant. We don't see the likings of these very often. I returned home and was hit with reality. I had to get the kids ready for a birthday party. This was a war!! Everyone crying and
ca-fetching. I don't know, it just wore on me. I wanted to cry. When we finally all got into the car and on our way, I was already an hour late, I hate to be late. We arrive very late and andrew was hungry, ellie had to go potty, and Isaac started complaing of an earache. Seriously kids? Well, do to our tardiness most the food andrew would eat was gone, and Isaac, well he was getting very upset. I decided to just go home. Sigh. My awesome Brother In law helped me get them all in the car. Now, I hate to make a scene, but this is inevitable when you have four little kids! It makes me crazy sometimes, the tantrums over leaving, arg. I cried the whole way home from the party, I felt like I was falling apart. My husband had not called this weekend. Honestly, it wrecked me. Isaac joined me in my tears, as he smacked his ear and sobbed. When we got home, my parents had gone out. So, I waited for their return and took Isaac right to the ER to get his ear checked. Turns out he has a pretty severe ear infection, infact it started drainign after we left the ER. Also he aparently loooves the catholic church channel in the ER as he made me watch 30 mins of it.

So, in the midst of the storm today, I bonded with my little boy. We left the hospital, hand in hand. He is a gorgeous little kid, he really is. We didn't have the music on, since his ear was bothered by it. We talked. He asked about heaven and hell, and how you get to both? Why are there lines on the road? How fast and how big is God? What color is God, he decided he is blue. How old does he have to be to be a firefighter? How do you call for an ambulance? What is jail?..ect. This kid can sure ask alot of questions. When we got home, I held him and we laughed, oh man, he is almost too big for my lap already. Where has the time gone. My baby boy, my first born. Oh the hours spent, just staring at his precious little face. I can't let this time just fly by me. I need more moments like this one, to just be with him. One day my little children are going to grow up and be on their own, aaah what a scary thought! Well, what started out a real stress, ended in peace, and love. So, I suppose it was a good day after all. In the words of my Ellie "This was a greeaat day, right mom?"

So, Isaac tells me today that he can't remember what Daddy looks like! Oy! So I said well maybe we should look through some photos later so you can see him. He was ok with that answer, but stated that it would be ok if he got a new Daddy for a little while since he wants to play baseball, and he wants to learn how to ride his bike without training wheels. Oh man, this broke my heart! I tried to remain calm, as he is only five and has no idea what he is saying. So, I told him to practice on his bike real good, and when daddy returns in a few weeks he would be excited to teach him how to ride without the training wheels. Of course this became a discussion on how long a few weeks is. Ugh, they do not hand you a manual on how to raise kids in the military. They say there is tons of support, but unless I want to pack all my kids up on my own and take them for a trip down to the base and back, lets just say it doesn't sound fun. They had told Jonathan that they would be calling me weekly..umm you-hoo..no calls yet! So, we plug along. Every minute seems to be filled with new emotions. One minute I feel empowered to do anything, I am strong, confident, and able..the very next I am weak, exhausted, and incompetent.

On a good note I can join the pool around the corner for free this summer, do to Jonathan being active right now!! Can I get a woop woop? I'm just saying, that's exciting;) Of course, that will require great strength and courage. To bring four little ones to the pool by yourself, when you are as norotic as I am about water, and children, is frightning.

We will see. I can do this. This is not the end of the world. My sister brought up a good point today. She said honestly Bekah you aren't doing that much more with him gone. You always do everything anyway. Honestly this is true, although there have been a few things I have truly needed him for ..such as the pickle jar. Anywho, it's not that I am doing sooo much more, it's that I do not have his support. I do need him, just in different ways. Plus, my kids are not all emotionally inept with both of us around.

I don't know, I just do need him around, like by phone or anything at all. I would not have married him if I thought life would be great without him. Also, the kids really need to not be waking me up at 5 in the morning anymore! It is light out now that early, so I am totally confused and I end up getting up and putting on the tv. I'm totally clueless to the time until it is to late.

25 days<3

There isn't much in life that can stretch you as much as family dynamics. It is one of those things that you will be judged on forever. How do you treat your husband, kids, parents, siblings..ect. There are no relationships more important. Anyone can maintain a friendship, but it takes real character to maintain healthy family relationships. Nothing like someone who is close to throw a dagger at your heart in seconds. Now, is this a true dagger, or do we just perceive it as such because of the relationship? I feel that most of the time, it is a perception do to the amount of our heart involved. We get defensive, and nasty over ridiculous things. How can we begin to mend broken communication? What do you do when gentle words and explanations no longer work? You know, as much as we try, we can not leave the brokeness home. It comes with us wherever we go. It could potentially mess up every relationship you have, if you let it.