We recently began our adventure through Homeschool Land! This is all new to us. I was personally schooled at home from 2nd-12th grade, my hubby was home mostly through high school. So, no, it is not comepletely foreign. However, it is all new for me to be the Home school MOM.
The Home school mom is a tough women. I have been struggling to figure out who I am in all of this. I worry constantly about cirriculum, field trips, I am continually looking out for an educational experience. I worry I do not have enough to teach. Am I strong, smart, confident, patient enough?! So many questions! I am working it out day by day speaking to other families in my same situation trying to gleen from their experiences.
The mockery. Oh the mockery. I realize other people will not, do not, agree with this particular style of education. Most of the people who are so hard against the idea, have very little understanding of all that it entails. I was at my sons football practice yesterday and got into a convo involving all our kids and their first week at school. UGH! They were all complaining about teachers, class sizes and resources..blah blah blah. They then got to me. I began to feel my heart pounding in my chest, when I answered. "we have chosen to Home school this year." Rutro. Now, they pounced! One question after the next, " why. why not private, charter?" " How can you stand to have them home all day?" " Don't you want them around other kids?" " you're one of those moms who just can't let go?!" Wow, I was standing there kinda stunned. I had sat through many convos of my mom and other people discussing why she home schooled us, you know, it was easier being the kid:) I am not one to be overly concerned with other peoples opinions of how I live my life, but this involves my kids. Some people are just so inconsiderate and harsh.
Personally I hate it when people tell me how frustrating/annoying it must be to have so many kids, or to have them around all the time. I think it is mean to my children to say those things. Am I wrong? Is it not offensive to ask me infront of my children "How can you stand to have them around?" Are you kidding me!? Yes, parenting is tough, the toughest job there is. NO, I do not regret any of my babies! I cherish my children and feel it is my (and my husbands) soul priority to raise them well. I do not think that everyone must home school or should. I feel it is right for us, for now. We have many reasons for doing this.
I Do Not think My kids are deprived, in any way, for not attending school this year. If anything, they are in better shape for it.
I will forever be in debt to my mother who poured hours upon hours , days upon days, years upon years ,into me as I grew up. She nurtured me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I was well cared for. I do not ever regret being home schooled, as those were the best days of my life. Sure, I feel some things could, and probably should, have been done differently. Who doesn't feel some things could have been different in their past?
I do what I do, because my convictions lead me there.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
It's been a long time since I have blogged. These days, a few thoughts have me up at night. I hate this feeling, but at the same time, it's the one that moves me to change and action. Our lives are moving full steam ahead, all the while falling apart at the seams. As I laid in bed last night overwhelmed, I remebered all the things I have been brought out of and through in life. In my short 28 yrs of life, I have been blessed to see the Lords mighty hand of provision. I HATE needing him, or anyone! The fact is, I need Him whether I acknowledge it or not. I lay, tears down my face to be back in a position I know all to well. The feelings of inadequecy, desperation, greif. We have been poverty stricken for 6 yrs now. We have times when we see the ligh at the end of the tunnel, and than it seems covered in darkness. Not for lack of trying, we end up here once again. People pitty the poor. I hate pitty. I force belief, faith, love, strength, patience, kindness. I hate being preached at about this area of my life. when someone yells at you to have faith, it DOES NOT PRODUCE FAITH! I read back through some old blogs, yep God held me through. I know He is here today. These are just some thoughts, nothing incredibly uplifting or perfectly stated. No theories or scriptures to "back me up". I speak openly, struggle sucks, butin the end, we are better off for the storms that make us stronger, better, more complete people.
Monday, June 6, 2011
When is it time?
Am I giving God my best, expecting the best in return? Or am I giving God what's left and expecting the best in return? How often do we find ourselves in a position where we are begging and yearning for more, and yet we aren't willing to sacrifice a minute let alone a night or days to the closeness of Christ in our lives? I want the Glory, passion, impartation of the Lord, what am I willing to do to make it happen. Do I honestly NOT have time for Kingdom ways? What steps can I take to move in a more genuine relationship with the father? Committment is tough, but totally worth it. If I lived life like the cross truly meant what it did, and does, what would that look like? Religion that is pure is simple, care for the widdowed, poor, orphaned, love your neighbor as yourself...I think we tend to make it all so complicated. It's simple, put others first, Love honestly, tap into the father daily(hourly, minute by minute) to revive and restore your spirit man. We ask the same questions for years. When will i get past yadda yadda? When will i be in Gods perfect will? When will my life fall into place? Are we just waiting around with no action on our own? Are disappointments from our past holding us back?
No more, I want more, and I am gonna get it. How about you?
No more, I want more, and I am gonna get it. How about you?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Trust
Lets start with some history of me, shall we. Now, before I begin, incase anything I say seems as if I am upset with my parents, or feel they did me wrong, this is not true and not what I am intending here.
I was raised in a home with two siblings (I have three sibs from my Dad's first marriage, but they were much older than me, and not around much.) My mother nearly died after the birth of my brother, and was only out of the hospital setting but maybe three months when she found out she was pregnant with me. This was not a joyous occasion. Shortly after discovering me, she had a "threatened miscarriage". This lead to her being afraid to lose me and praying. She claims the Lord told her that I would be safe and gave her a vision of a barrel around her belly, protecting me. She says, God told her I would be a great joy in her life. When I was but 5wks old I began having frequent seizers(unrelated to fevers), this lead to my hospitalization. The elders prayed over me, and I've never had another seizere, so the story reads.
Growing up I was small, or Ja was big, or both. Anyhow, Jason (my brother) was put on direct orders to ALWAYS protect me. I was never aloud to go anywhere without him, ever. I was told repeatedly that if I were ever alone somewhere I could, or would, be harmed in some way. Now, I'm not complaining, Ja did a great job, and in reality I was barely ever harmed in any way. On the flip side, I have been "brain washed" to believe I am not OK alone. I feel trapped and vulnerable whenever I am alone. It is terrible to feel like you can trust no one all the time. I realize this is a deprived world we live in where there are many out to harm. On the other hand, where is the peace. How do you function on your own when your entire life you have been sheltered from the storm. I was homeschooled since 1st grade, though I loved the closeness of family, and all the life experience I got. I think I missed a large part of something, being home.
I am challenged to figure out if I truly TRUST God. I know I trust him to be my savior, I trust him with my soul. Do I trust My heavenly father with my children, my finances, my supply of food, my husband, me? Do I put more faith in the tools He uses to protect, provide, heal, than I do in the source of all the provision? I'm a firm believer in doctors/modern medicine, stable jobs, and the like, but these things are just tools of provision not he source.
I layed in my bed last night scared, warn out, and exhausted. I have been up most nights worried about an intruder, fire, some unknown catastrophe. I pray and declare the goodness of my Lord, and yet the peace passes quickly, and I am overtaken with FEAR. Why, am I struggling with this? Well, it occurred to me that 1) I have never had to fend for myself. 2) I don't really TRUST. I was literally trembling last night, and equally angry that I would allow myself to be so afraid. I was still for a moment and out of nowhere I heard a voice "Rebekah, what would make you feel safe? Bars on the windows? new locks on the doors? A dog? a husband? a light? WHAT WILL DO IT FOR YOU?? I sat there...then again.."if you stay awake all night shaking , and someone comes in, would you beable to take him on and save your family? if you stay up scared, will it make it not happen? if you call 911, will they save you fast enough? Bekah, do you trust me to protect you? Go to sleep, this is over, I am here, and you know it!!" Wow, I passed out! That was it! With those words I knew The Lord was with me, and no lock, or dog, or man can save me, or protect me like he can.
The Lord has been protecting me my whole life. He has held me in the shelter of his wing. I have not endured many things other woman have. My life has been challenged on a few occasions just to be saved. Perhaps its a coincidence, but I don't think so. I struggle all the time with Faith vs practical, and than the Lord shows up.
When I was a teen I hid my depression, I was frightningly close to suicide, the Lord met with me, and saved me. I can not fully explain these things, but I have felt and heard them on my own.
What do you trust more, the tool of provision or the source??
I was raised in a home with two siblings (I have three sibs from my Dad's first marriage, but they were much older than me, and not around much.) My mother nearly died after the birth of my brother, and was only out of the hospital setting but maybe three months when she found out she was pregnant with me. This was not a joyous occasion. Shortly after discovering me, she had a "threatened miscarriage". This lead to her being afraid to lose me and praying. She claims the Lord told her that I would be safe and gave her a vision of a barrel around her belly, protecting me. She says, God told her I would be a great joy in her life. When I was but 5wks old I began having frequent seizers(unrelated to fevers), this lead to my hospitalization. The elders prayed over me, and I've never had another seizere, so the story reads.
Growing up I was small, or Ja was big, or both. Anyhow, Jason (my brother) was put on direct orders to ALWAYS protect me. I was never aloud to go anywhere without him, ever. I was told repeatedly that if I were ever alone somewhere I could, or would, be harmed in some way. Now, I'm not complaining, Ja did a great job, and in reality I was barely ever harmed in any way. On the flip side, I have been "brain washed" to believe I am not OK alone. I feel trapped and vulnerable whenever I am alone. It is terrible to feel like you can trust no one all the time. I realize this is a deprived world we live in where there are many out to harm. On the other hand, where is the peace. How do you function on your own when your entire life you have been sheltered from the storm. I was homeschooled since 1st grade, though I loved the closeness of family, and all the life experience I got. I think I missed a large part of something, being home.
I am challenged to figure out if I truly TRUST God. I know I trust him to be my savior, I trust him with my soul. Do I trust My heavenly father with my children, my finances, my supply of food, my husband, me? Do I put more faith in the tools He uses to protect, provide, heal, than I do in the source of all the provision? I'm a firm believer in doctors/modern medicine, stable jobs, and the like, but these things are just tools of provision not he source.
I layed in my bed last night scared, warn out, and exhausted. I have been up most nights worried about an intruder, fire, some unknown catastrophe. I pray and declare the goodness of my Lord, and yet the peace passes quickly, and I am overtaken with FEAR. Why, am I struggling with this? Well, it occurred to me that 1) I have never had to fend for myself. 2) I don't really TRUST. I was literally trembling last night, and equally angry that I would allow myself to be so afraid. I was still for a moment and out of nowhere I heard a voice "Rebekah, what would make you feel safe? Bars on the windows? new locks on the doors? A dog? a husband? a light? WHAT WILL DO IT FOR YOU?? I sat there...then again.."if you stay awake all night shaking , and someone comes in, would you beable to take him on and save your family? if you stay up scared, will it make it not happen? if you call 911, will they save you fast enough? Bekah, do you trust me to protect you? Go to sleep, this is over, I am here, and you know it!!" Wow, I passed out! That was it! With those words I knew The Lord was with me, and no lock, or dog, or man can save me, or protect me like he can.
The Lord has been protecting me my whole life. He has held me in the shelter of his wing. I have not endured many things other woman have. My life has been challenged on a few occasions just to be saved. Perhaps its a coincidence, but I don't think so. I struggle all the time with Faith vs practical, and than the Lord shows up.
When I was a teen I hid my depression, I was frightningly close to suicide, the Lord met with me, and saved me. I can not fully explain these things, but I have felt and heard them on my own.
What do you trust more, the tool of provision or the source??
Friday, January 21, 2011
The bare minimum
A few weeks ago I traveled halfway across country with a van load of clothes and kids. We survived the trip, and actually enjoyed it! We had a few rough days, but all in all we felt tremendously blessed to be together. Well, we arrived to our new home around 6pm. We pulled into what looked like an abandoned apartment complex, it's not, it's just kinda run down. I immediately feared the nights to come, alone without my hubby in this deprived place. We met up with D'Wayne (Landlord) in the parking lot, he was clothed in a red flannel, blue jeans, and cowboy boots. D' Wayne led the way to the house, I couldn't help but notice the skinny, greasy ponytail, tucked up into his ragged hat (ewe). The house was filled with musty old furniture that Mr D'wayne was so kind to bring in for us. Isaac's asthma was not a fan of the furnishings, Jonathan had a big job that night loading all of it into a spare bedroom, this room is not used, and is forbidden.
So, we started with a three bedroom house, and now are down to a one bedroom house with a playroom. That first night in this house, in a new town, and state, I felt so far away from home. I have been much further from home, but not for 3mos, or with kids. Jonathan asked me as we lay there freezing, " Are you gonna make it? Or should I just call my parents now?" I laughed and said "lets just wait till morning."
Well, it's been 22 days, and I am still here. I am determined to survive, and thrive. As a mom of four there are things that you "need" daily. IE; washer/ dryer, garbage disposal, dishwasher, microwave, beds, dressers, sofas, cable TV. Well, I am learning to live without such things. We do have beds, air beds. We also have a TV bon found, it's 15" and plays DVDs thru our portable DVD set, we got for the car on Christmas! We also have blow up sofas, well sofa, one is busted already;)
Life without, is just fine. I share a room with my kids, and I am fine. I do all the dishes by hand, I am fine, I lug all the kids and laundry to the laundromat, 20mins away 2x a week, I am fine. I am no worse for ware, I am simply busy. I have to argue the point that I may not be much busier without all these things than I am with them.
We are more resilient than we know. I am convinced that a life without struggle, or stretching, is depleted in worth. I feel blessed to be spending this time with my husband, and children. I am not working while I am away and it is AWESOME. Now, clearly being a mom and wife is work enough. I have a constant struggle with believing my Lord will protect me here on my own. I struggle every night to fall asleep in the unsettling silence. I will not allow fear to rule me. It's easier said than done, but I am determined to be bigger than my fears. This may all seem so silly to some, but this is a real battle for me. I am away from my support system, friends, family, coworkers. I am in a new place where people speak and act differently. Of course, there is the whole new Air force life thing I am not so keen on yet.
A few yrs ago I felt that I was to embrace adventure, allow, and encourage Jonathan to follow his dreams. Every day, and mercies, always new!
So, we started with a three bedroom house, and now are down to a one bedroom house with a playroom. That first night in this house, in a new town, and state, I felt so far away from home. I have been much further from home, but not for 3mos, or with kids. Jonathan asked me as we lay there freezing, " Are you gonna make it? Or should I just call my parents now?" I laughed and said "lets just wait till morning."
Well, it's been 22 days, and I am still here. I am determined to survive, and thrive. As a mom of four there are things that you "need" daily. IE; washer/ dryer, garbage disposal, dishwasher, microwave, beds, dressers, sofas, cable TV. Well, I am learning to live without such things. We do have beds, air beds. We also have a TV bon found, it's 15" and plays DVDs thru our portable DVD set, we got for the car on Christmas! We also have blow up sofas, well sofa, one is busted already;)
Life without, is just fine. I share a room with my kids, and I am fine. I do all the dishes by hand, I am fine, I lug all the kids and laundry to the laundromat, 20mins away 2x a week, I am fine. I am no worse for ware, I am simply busy. I have to argue the point that I may not be much busier without all these things than I am with them.
We are more resilient than we know. I am convinced that a life without struggle, or stretching, is depleted in worth. I feel blessed to be spending this time with my husband, and children. I am not working while I am away and it is AWESOME. Now, clearly being a mom and wife is work enough. I have a constant struggle with believing my Lord will protect me here on my own. I struggle every night to fall asleep in the unsettling silence. I will not allow fear to rule me. It's easier said than done, but I am determined to be bigger than my fears. This may all seem so silly to some, but this is a real battle for me. I am away from my support system, friends, family, coworkers. I am in a new place where people speak and act differently. Of course, there is the whole new Air force life thing I am not so keen on yet.
A few yrs ago I felt that I was to embrace adventure, allow, and encourage Jonathan to follow his dreams. Every day, and mercies, always new!
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