Fortunate

I received a letter from Jonathan today! This is my second letter from him. I would have felt blessed regardless of what he wrote, just to see his thoughts. Fortunately for me, he expressed how much he was grateful to have me, and how he has been reading up on what makes a good wife and mother in proverbs. Well, lets just say he blew me away with his lovingness;) He spoke to my heart, in minutes I felt inspired to be better, stronger ect. I am so fortunate to have a husband who is thinking and praying for me, even when at Boot Camp! Today, I feel blessed.

Just some thoughts...

Mercy Me- I can only imagine with lyrics

Prepare the way.

I started thinking yesterday about Bon's return and how I wanted to make sure everything was done around the house. Clothes clean, rooms clean, food ready for the week..ect. I want to make sure that when he returns I have time to really spend with him, not wasted time on other things. Now, Jonathan doesn't care about the mess, but I will. As I pondered what I was going to do for his return, The Lord spoke to me.

How often do we prepare the way for The most high King before entering his presence? We, know that regardless of what we do, he will meet with us. It is not a matter of whether his presence will be there or not, or if he will except you as you are. Rather, what will your time with him consist of? Will it be a time of repentance, and house keeping, or of Glory, and adoration? Hmm..I keep hearing "prepare the way! Prepare the way for the most high King!" What does it mean to prepare the way, how do I, someone so small, prepare a way for the king? Wow, he truly desires to meet with me, with us. Perhaps I should put more time and attention into my "meetings" with the Father? What does true reverence look like? I keep thinking of Mercy Me song "I can only imagine"

Bleh Bleh Bleh!!

I had a pretty good day today at work, the only problem is that I generally call Jonathan on my breaks, and on my drives to and from. My convos with him may have been brief on these days, but it was still a constant. Ugh, this just totally stinks.

From the second I got home the tantrums started. One child after the next melting down before my eyes. I held it together, but on the inside I was certainly crying. We got through dinner (barely) and baths to jammies. Then I laid Drew drew down cuz he was miiiiiissseeerrraaabbblle! Then My Dad offered to take the two older ones up to his room for a movie night;) Which left me with the precious little Bink! I got her ready for bed, fed and changed.

Now, I am on my own...Glad for the quiet, but sad that i'm without my spouse, my other half..:(
listened to my uplifting music all day today on my ipod at work..yet I am still struggling to find the joy today. I did find a glimpse of it in my Ellie's sweet kiss, Isaac's generosity, Drew's patheticness, and Bink's innocense.

Handling the children's emotions is hard when your very own emotions are so sky high. The othe rnight at church we had a meltdown. This was not an ordinary tantrum. Isaac had told me earlier on that night that the big boys would not let him play with them after church. My heart broke for him, as I know he struggles with social peer play. I didn't have the time to help him start a game as I was tending to my two little ones, who were both having moments of their own. A few mins later I instisted that we leave, lets face it everyone was crying and it was time. I had to pull isaac out of the building he was devastated. As we reached the car he was hysterical. I got down on his level and held him close, I just knew there was more to these tears. As I held him he let out a sob, one I had never really heard him do before. He was genuinely crying, he buried his head in my shoulder and seemed to melt into me. I rubbed his back trying to soothe him with a calm voice.." it's ok..Isaac..it's gona be ok."

I realize our struggles could be much worse. I am aware that I do not live the worst life by any means. I am blessed, as are my children. We have love in abundance. We just Miss the Man of the house, we have days where we fall apart and days when we almost forget.

A light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see it yet, trust me, I'm trying;)

Isaac is starting to question me about Bon ever coming back. I feel so badly for the little guy. I remember being young and missing one of my parents..this truly is a long time to a five yr old. I had told him he has 7 more tee ball games till daddy came back, well he doesn't have a game this week. When I told him this was his teams week off, he got upset and was like.." but but will it still be 7 games or 6 games till daddy comes home ..oh no..now i don't get to count one down ..or do i?" He was relieved to hear it will only be 6 more games now;)

I got to hold my new little niece today! She is precious and yummy, and smells brand new! Aaah it was delightful! New life is such a beautiful experience. It amazes me each and every time.

Our trip to Bon's gradution is booked!

Missing Him:(

I want him home now! I know I said it was getting easier..what was I thinking! I should never have said anything. I was tortured last night with missing him. It seemed everything on tv was a love story ugh...sigh. I wonder if I will survie his next deployments?? On a good note, I think we have all the kinks worked out for our trip down to see him in june!! It can not come soon enough. I would like to go shopping except military pay screwed up jonathan's pay, and well, they neglected to pay him at all! So frustrating. I had to hack into his mypay account...which took a while and then try to fix things, while on the phone with the finance lady on Base. Why nothing can just work, I'm not sure. Also, Bon's job had a large amount of giant cardboard boxes delivered to our front porch, which you know was very nice of them...what?? Umm do they not know he is gone?? Anywho, I guess I will get a nice workout attempting to carry them around back and down into the basement. Hopefully none of the nieghbors are watching;) I need to exercise..that's it! Now, how, when, and where??

me<3

2wks

Two weeks have passed since my love left. In some ways things are getting a bit easier. I am not going to my phone everytime I think of him, just to realize I can't call him. I am adjusting to sleeping without him by my side. I am thinking of him less and less through out the day (he's still on my mind quite often, just not every min). Now, this is two fold. On one hand, it feels better to be adjusting, and on the other....I don't want to beable to live without him! I got a letter from him today, ha! I felt like I did when we were teenagers and I would here that "you've got mail!" when I would sign online. I mean, there was no text messaging, we didn't even have cell phones. Aaah the feelings of love;) I remeber this one time, we went on a youth retreat to the poconos. I snuck into his room and left a packet of crackers on his pillow, we then proceeded to leave the crackers for eachother throughout the trip. Now, he apparently kept the packet cuz he sent it to me in the mail, all crunched up and worn. My mom said to me " do you like Bon?" I would say "no, we are just good friends." Ha these little things made me love him little by little. He also had a collection of my pens he would routinely steal from me at youth group..yeah I found those just before we got married, as we were cleaning out his room at his parents. I know it sounds stalkerish, but it meant he actually was truly interested in me and... whatever..i thought it was sweet;)


6 more weeks!!

To Hear His voice.

Jonathan called me tonight!!!!!! It was 10 whole minutes of BLISS! OK, so it wasn't actually BLISS but whatever! (girlie my boy just called me voice) So, My phone rang I looked at it and "omg it's him!!!!" I thought I was going to fall over in the kitchen! Everything else slipped away, and all I could even acknowledge was his voice! OMG..what a relief!

1. He said he is OK
2. He said He is doing really well on all the physical stuff
3. He misses me (tears in his voice) ;)
4. He wants prayer and lots of it!!!
5. He will be working at the church every sunday, he said they all cry like babies through the whole service. He is also in charge of getting people to and from chruch ( he mentioned this with pride..must be good to be chosen..don't know)
6. He misses the children, he couldn't barely talk about it.
7. He sent me a letter!!! I can't wait to get it. A letter from Jonathan?? Now this is special!!

I feel overwhlemed with peace, and joy, and love, and worry for him. I desperately love this Man, and to know he is going through so much..ugh..Let's face it, He's awesome..k;)
He begged me to send more pics of the kids, and all of us, and whatever. He seemed so relieved that the first week was over, he said it was living H-E-L-L! I feel a bit like a love struck teenage girl..ha ha..I'm so glad to hear his voice!! Have I mentioned I'm glad he called?? Is it wrong of me to find peace in the fact that he misses me so much? I'm such a mean wife, I just really needed to know that. Of course now I pray he won't miss me so much, cuz I know how it feels and he doesn't have anyone to turn to:( He did say he is getting along with a couple of the guys there, so perhaps some good friendships will come out of all this. So, please please lift Bon up in prayer if you think of it.

me <3

Wedding Day Jitters

This day six long years ago was an amzing marker in my life. This marked a day of union. A day that brought me much peace, and comfort. I can remember feeling so relieved to finally be married, finally aloud to truly love my favorite man ever! To be in God's will. The moment we said our vows, I didn't cry because I was nervous, but blessed and relieved. I think because it was drilled into my brain to be pure be pure be pure..I had a very hard time dating. For one, I wouldn't even date Jonathan until he told me he knew he was going to marry me from the day he met me( by the way, he was only 13 when we met). It feels like yesterday, I was overwhlemed with butterflies, did he actually think I was worthy to marry? I had recieved a word from the Lord when I was 17. "You know the man you will marry, I have set him apart for you, he loves children, you will have a ministry of children with him, he has a heart for missions, it's strong, it will drive him to greatness in me, he knows you are the one, when it's time he will tell you." So, like a good, faithful daughter I waited. Looking back I only waited a year, but as a teenager it seemed much longer.

Jonathan and I have been blessed, not just to have eachother, but to have only ever had eachother.
Not many people have the value in their marriage of having only had one person ever fill that place in their heart. We have gone through some extremely trying times these past few years, thank goodness there were no people to turn back to, if you know what I mean. We have clung to eachother with no past relationship baggage. It seems life baggage is more than enough. I had crushes on other boys growing up and dabbled in a bit of flirting, you know "christian flirting" There were a few times when things almost became more, and this is when I heard the word God gave me. He rescued me from making a terrible mistake. I feel so abundantly blessed in our decision to remain pure, and gaurd our hearts with a vengeance!

I want to encourage young people today! Gaurd your hearts, it is the store house for the Lord! You don't realize what really takes place once you allow someone to hang out in your heart. Respect the temple of the Lord, don't allow anyone or anything to taint you. Be steadfast, it will pay off. Though there certainly is grace, and abundantly so, give it all you have to purity.

I thought I would be sad today on our anniversary, without Jonathan by my side. I'm not sad at all, I am glad and proud of my awesome husband! He is a great man, full of character! He is willing to sacrifice himself, not only for his family but for his nation. What a good Good man, the Lord knows so much better than I do. I am blessed on this day! I love my husband, and he loves me, it's gonna be a great new year!

pain in the neck

I woke up this morning with extreme pain in my neck. I tried stretching, meds, hot compresses, nothing worked. It got to the point where I could not turn my head from side to side at all, and driving was frightening. So, I made a stop at the chiropractor!! I showed up and she says "it's been a long time..what brings you in now after two years???" I was a bit taken back by her atitude. She was right, what has taken me soo long? I told her about my four pregnancies and chaotic life, funny how she didn't seem to care..ha ha. Anyway, My entire back was cracking like rice crispies in a fresh bowl of milk. As I continued to discuss the facts of my stressful life I started crying, yes you heard me, I let out the tears infront of a stranger that I have not seen in years! There I lay, she had my head in her hands..she said in a soothing calm voice "don't worry..I'm going to do this, you just have to let go..relax and let me help you." Wow..let go? let go?! What does that look like exactly?? I wiped the tears from my face and thanked her a million times as I agreed to come back two or three times next week.

This brought me to think about letting go, what does it mean? I still have to manage my family, myself (currently my entire body seems to be falling apart at the seems), my work. What does being still and knowing mean, or better yet look like? Hmm I have a feeling I will soon find out.

So, lets see..Me
1. gall bladder attack ( trying to maintain a fat free diet full of every other nutrient)
2. neck pain (unable to sleep, turn head side to side)
3. allergies
4. Stressed about needing everyone all the time.
5. finances/paying bills on my own.
6. managing meals and schedules
7. Horrible tooth aches shooting down my jaw line.
Andrew
1. excessive thrist and hunger ( having lab work done today)
Isaac
1. allergies
2. emotions sky high (inability to handle Bon's departure)
3. Getting evaluated for signs of Asperger's Syndrome
Melody
1. gastric distress
Now Be still and know! Hmm I'm trying, I'm trying...You're right this is not that bad. These are things that are a simple part of life and we will all be fine. We may even come out on the victorious side. I struggle with making schedules..it is something that takes a lot of effort for me. I know it drives everyone around me crazy, but it is me. So, to be put in a position where this is going to be completely neccesary for my survival, to organize our lives in a much more detailed manner, has me nuts!!

morning

I awoke this morning feeling empowered! I had been dreaming that Bon was next to me, and when I woke up it was Drew drew!! He was wide awake, cuddled up in my bed, staring into my eyes as he pet my hair;) Awe, my heart filled with warm loving feelings. It was surely bound to be a great day.

Well, I had to get the kiddos ready for a 1000 appt at the pediatrician, for the baby. From the begining the kids were, well, stubborn. no one wanted to get dressed "come on everyone lets get dressed...come on..pick out some clothes!" " no i don't want to..i don't like that shirt..noo not those shoes..i wanna wear my bathing suit...i don't like socks like that..i wanna stay home!!" I tried with everything in me to remain cool. I then danced around the kitchen with andrew, and made ellie laugh as i pretended to drop the hershey syrup bottle all over the kitchen floor, in my hap hazard efforts to get it back into the frig. Isaac stood, ticked off and miserable, denied happiness at every turn! The milk is too cold, now it's too hot, now not enough syrup, now too much! AAAAAh I dying here!!! Now, the clock is ticking!!! I already missed an appt for the baby last week, I had to get there on time. Then as we were trying to get shoes on and jackets it began again.."not that jacket, the other one" " the other one is broken, Isaac" " i don't care, i wanna wear it!!!!! (tears everwhere)" Well lets just say i lost my coool al together in a very embarrassing and diapointing way. I screamed at him to put hi frickin shoes on!!!! this is not about you right now!!! Get the heck ready and get your stubborn little butt in the stinking car!!!!!! which was followed by more yelling and crying.

We finally were in the car, with no time left for my ice coffee run! I began to sob and sob. I felt like a complete failure of a mother. Why did I let things escalate that far? Why didn't i take control earlier, beofre I lost my temper!? I hated myself for screaming and hurting my son. ugh..Fail! Just stamp it on my forehead! I know I know..I came back to reality. I apologized to the kids, and we all agreed to start the day over.

Just waiting for the peace<3

waiting for the peace

I am not sure who I am in life without my best friend, my husband. Almost every person at the party today asked me how Bon was doing or if he liked it. Hello!! He is not allowed to call me, I have not a single frickin clue what is going on with him!! I don't know when, if ever, he will call or how long it will be for, or what it will be about. I miss him so much I am sick. I'm not upset with people for asking..it's a natural thing to do in conversation. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel weird, alone, preoccupied, lost. I hope I do not come off as disturbed when speaking with others..ha ha. Although, I did have a few moments today when Jonathan was not on my mind..it was peaceful..they passed quickly.

ok, so The man has been gone for what two days!!? I keep talking about how i am feeling, thinking it is going to make things easier..it's not. I want to know what is going on with my husband, is he ok, is he sleeping, eating, are there any good guys there, is he upset, does he kinda like it, who what when where??? ugh the suspense of all of this is truly making me a bit madd. I am trying to figure out how to get a decent price on a flight to go to his graduation ..and it is not looking so promising:( How on earth could I ever afford a $700 ticket? There has to be a way, I mean don't people do this all the time? Perhaps we will just pack up all four kids and take a massive road trip to graduation..hmm maybe not..lol. I could start walking now, and I should be there in time? Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud.

View point

How do you view the Holy Trinity? Is one figure bigger, wiser, stronger, more powerful, more important than an other? Really though, picture them now. I read of an anology where we western christians view the Holy Trinity as God the Father sitting at the head of the table, then Christ as a smaller man, and then the holy spirit as a bird. Where as Eastern christians See three equal beings sitting around a table talking about us all.

How do you see it? This stretched me a bit to think about my views and understanding of God in general, as in his relation to us as three parts. Are they truly sitting about conversing and interceding for me? So difficult to comprehend. Are there really things that Jesus wants to see the holy spirit work in my life? I beleive so. I think, as crazy as it sounds, I desire to spend as much time as I can in Their courts of praise, so that I may see more clearly their desires and hearts cry.

You know, it says in scripture that we enter his courts with praise..not prayer..why would we rather try to begin with prayer and not praise? Why do we not place Him where he belongs, before we begin conversing? Or better yet, why is this a stretch for us? Is He not the alpha and omega, the begining and the end? Elohim (God), Jehovah-rapha(the Lord who heals),Jehovah-Nissi(The Lord our banner),Jehovah-Shalom( the Lord our Peace),Jehovah Sabaoth(the Lord of hosts),The resurrection, the truth, the life,the light of the world,the bread of life, the good shepherd, "Before Abraham was, I Am!" Hmm My thoughts for the day.

This has been a very tough morning full of tears and anxiety..But still my God is good, and has restored my peace in this moment of revelation, of who He is, was, and is to come!

seperation anxiety

I realize we have only been apart for 1 1/2 days, but I feel like I am experiencing some tough seperation anxiety. It's like the fear for the future seperation..ha ha. It's not that my husband is away, I am used to him working really long hours and being a away for days at a time. It's the distance, the lack of communication, the unknown. I know he will not be the same man when he returns, which makes me nervous. It's so hard to explain.

Everytime I talk to anyone about it they just say "this is good for him" or " he's fine." Ok, as much as you all are simply trying to help, those statements are not helpful. I know this is going to be good for him, and yes he will be fine..but for goodness sake my husband who I have not been seperated from in 9 yrs..just left me with no definite opportunity to call or write..he will write..But if you know Jonathan, there may not be much he says. He may be asking for sports scores..ha ha ha. I sent him his first letter today!

I feel like a little kid right now..am I to dependant on my husbands relationship??

Ah whatever...Ithink I can, I think I can, I think I can;)

My heart hurts

My heart hurts, I'm sick inside. I have dreaded these feelings! The only thing keeping me eating is the fact that I have an infant to nurse. My stomache is churning and turning.

For any of you that have been pregnant before you know how it consumes you. I feel as though I just found out of the positive pregnancy. The butterflies, the preoccupation with self. I can't think of anything else, I just keep praying and praying. For Him, for me, for the children...whew..we should all be blessed when this is all through! I keep reminding myself that suffering brings forth character!!! Honestly though, how much character does one need?

Thankfully, I have had my wonderful mother in-law to call whenever I need. She, like me, has a lot investing in this man and loves him dearly. I am sure, unfortunatly for her, I will be calling "frequently" for a shoulder to cry on. Of course, at least I hope, not at much as today;)

sigh...I need to take deep breaths..this to shall pass? ugh my tumy hurts..I do love the man:(

Day 1 on our journey!

Well friends, this morning has been a tough one. We went to bed last night in tears. We decided not to make it a big deal with the kids. Jonathan and I told them he would be gone early in the morning and all. We prayed and hugged the kids and off to bed they went. Jonathan quickly exited the room to cry, for the first time since this all began. I have to admit he has been very strong.

Being apart is going to be tough. Not just because we won't see eachother, but we won't beable to communicate much at all. Unless you consider a weekly letter and a 5min conversation communicating.

I dropped Jonathan off at the airport at 1/4 till 7...Remarkably I wasn't a complete basket case , and by that I mean I wasn't swerving off the road due to an inability to see past my tears. I thought it not wise to come home a mess, for my childrens sake, that is. So, I did what any deserving woman would do, I went shopping. Of course not my favorite type (grocery). While I was there I had some photos developed of me and the Hubs and the kids and him. I then bought little frames to put them in.

Upon my arrival home I was met by a grumpy 5yr old and two silly toddlers (the baby was being put to bed). I showed the kids their respective pics ...Ellie was very excited and wanted to hold them imediatly. Isaac told me they didn't look good and ..that he didn't want to look at them. He threw it on the floor and left the room. I told him I would hold on to them for him, just incase he wants to look at them later. I suggested a few ideas for the day all shot down instantly...(oh boy hear we go) I was surprised that he was willing to talk to me about it though. When I asked what was wrong..he told he was upset with daddy for leaving him..he didn't want to look at him any more..So I told him, as calmly as I could muster, that I was sad too and that daddy loves us very much and will be back as soon as he can. Whew! Now I think we are in for trouble...I then told him he could play with daddy's ipod while he is gone and he perked right up and was ready to go for the day!

I got to go duty calls!!